Tales of Yue's Harem
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Emily Sevensheep used to fantasize about dying in the arms of her hero. In real life, it wasn't nearly as much fun. The last thing she saw was the horrified look on Yue's face as she faded away… Some short drabbles on Yue's harem girls. Het, Yuri, crack
1. Tales of Yue's Harem

A/N: Yue has her own Harem. There's only 1 bed in Collet's room, and Emily Sevensheep is so obvious about her crush I'm surprised no one brings it up earlier. Seriously, at first she's all 'Tsun', but after Yue saves her from the dragon, she's goes 'dere' for Yue so fast she goes around the world and hits 'tsun' while coming back the other way.

...

Unwritten or 'Tales of Yue's Harem'

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Akamatsu Ken. I'm not making any monetary gain form this story.

...

**Emily & Yue**

Emily Sevensheep sometimes fantasized about dying in the arms of her hero.

This wasn't out of some morbid suicide wish. It was pure adolescent fantasy, like the idiots who thought throwing themselves off a cliff is a good way to meet boys. To lie in her Nagi-sama's arms and prove her love to him, earning his heart in her final moments and making him hers for all eternity was the sort of silly thing girls who didn't know how life really worked dreamed of.

In real life, it wasn't nearly as much fun. The last thing she saw was the horrified look on Yue's face as she faded away…

She regretted calling her a dullard.

...

**Traitor**

Shiori had never been in a love triangle before.

Fate-sama had been kind to her, and given her a new life. She had vowed to follow him, even when she learned that his cause was the end of the world. She had faith in him, following him to Ostia and impersonating his enemies so that they may be watched.

Negi-kun had been kind to her. He'd been willing to throw his life away for any of those around him without a second thought, to the eternal annoyance of the persona Shiori had taken upon herself. Yet this persona had the utmost faith in him, a faith Shiori had taken into herself and had ultimately destroyed her cover.

She told herself she had no regrets. Fate-sama had been kind to her, and she would always be grateful even if she now stood with those he opposed. Yet his was a cold and distant kindness, like that of a distant mountain, high, imperious, hard as the stones and beautiful as an avalanche. Negi was like the thunderstorms whose power he used so much, sharp and crackling, flashing into your life and shaking you to your core.

She told herself she had no regrets. Later, even Fate-sama said he didn't blame her, and had wished her well, with no malice or resentment in his eyes. Yet when she heard of his attempts at physical humor with his amputated arm, and the words of thanks he had given the other girls, she thought that perhaps, just perhaps, _he_ regretted saying those things just a little too late.

She knew she regretted not being around to hear them.

...

**Best Friends**

Yue wasn't sure, but she suspected scenes like these were supposed to be set off with copious amounts of alcohol.

Not while comparing who had the most comfortable underwear.

One moment they'd been giggling in embarrassment while trying on Yue's side-strap panties, the next she and Collet were writhing together on their dorm's single bed, the atrociously uncomfortable camp bed they took turns sleeping in forgotten. Thanks goodness the next day was a free day.

Yue had needed to buy new panties, since they broke the ones they already had.

The words 'Best Friends' would never be the same again for Yue.

...

**That Extra Guy**

Johnny-san really had no idea what he got into when he agreed to take Makie and Yuna to Ostia. He was just helping out a couple of girls he'd found wandering the desert get back home. He didn't expect to be dragged into a battle for the survival of the world, of meeting with dark forces that wanted him dead, of actually meeting the son of the Thousand Master and Queen Arika in person.

Yet it had happened.

And when the dust had cleared and the world was saved, he'd been lucky enough to be in the general vicinity of a whole lot of lovely young girls who felt like giving someone a victory kiss while there was a general shortage of guys. Yuna-chan had even pressed her boobs against him, which made him a focus of even greater envy when he finally got back to that old truck-stop in the desert, despite everything. There were accolades and honors, and there were Yuna'-chan's boobs! No contest.

Three countries had given him awards, even if Megalomesembria was pretty reluctant about him, and Negi and the girls had declared him a member of Ala Alba, which went a lot longer than the wards had. He'd been able to hang up his flying hat and set up his own trucking company with some old friends, and Paru-sama had been nice enough to make his logo for him (the naked silhouette of all the girls, to his ever-lasting joy).

Most of the time, he was busy running it, knowing better than to just sit around waiting for the money to come in (since that was a stupidly easy way of making sure it eventually went to someone else), but there are days when some wide-eyed mage-to-be or gladiator, or practically anyone really, would come to the office to ask to meet the great Johnny-sama, who'd flown with Ala Alba into battle despite knowing only a few combat spells for discouraging small-fry bandits, and had gotten them all out again, right out from under the End of the World (part 2, Electric Buggaloo). And then he'd close up early and take the kids to his bar, where everyone knew his name and they hung the steering wheel of his old manta and he got free drinks every anniversary, and he'd tell the kids all about how he met Ala Alba.

He has a standing order for his drivers to help out any kids who seem down on their luck in a strange place. So, far, this has led to a few quickly resolve misunderstandings, some near-deaths, several kids happily reunited with their parents, a few secret commendations as secrets agents managed to make it in time stop an evil plot, and more than a few happy young women enthusiastically expressing their gratitude (when each of his drivers had garnered the gratitude of at least one such young lady because of this policy, they all chipped in to buy him a solid gold ''World's Greatest Boss !' mug), leading at least five marriages.

It all came full circle when a flustered employee stumbled into the office and declared he'd just given a ride to several children who all bore a disturbingly close resemblance to Negi Springfield. Johnny-san congratulated him for doing the right thing, and declared that day "Impromptu Company Picnic Day". They were in a gateport and heading for Mundus Ventus within the hour.

Honored or not, Johnny wasn't stupid enough to stay on a potentially easily-destroyable world that had _that_ many Springfields running around in it…

...

**Best Friends 2: Sapphic Bangaroo**

It had been kind of awkward getting her full memories back. Yue had a short breakdown as the inconsistencies of her thoughts as a partial amnesiac reintegrated with her complete memories.

Nodoka had been very supportive of her, and though it felt awkward to be around her now– not to mention being around Negi-sensei!– it felt good to be home again. Collet had come with her, and as promised they'd taken her and the other Ariadne girls on a tour of Mahora. Turnabout had been fair play, and now Collet was posing as _Yue's_ cousin. This had included sharing her dorm. Her roommate Nodoka had been amendable enough. She'd made her gratitude to Collet for finding Yue quiet clear.

They hadn't talked about what had happened at Ariadne. And at Ostia a few times. All right, a lot of times. When Yue had recovered her memories, even so partially, it was like a door had come down between them. There was a new best friend, who was really the old best friend, and had seniority and prior claim. And apparently there was that thing with Negi, which was really complicated by Nodoka and said best-friendship and prior claim…

Yue had thought she'd die of a lot of things. A broomstick accident. Getting the approach to that griffin dragon wrong. Fighting against Fate's compatriots. A training error in the Resort.

When Nodoka walked in on her and Collet, however, she genuinely thought and wished she'd die of mortification. She couldn't bear that wide-eyed stare of shock, the look of disgust and loathing, the jerky way Nodoka had slammed the door and…

… began taking off her blouse?

It was the first time she ever thought of the phrase "mortifying ecstasy".

Afterwards, as she lay back, covered in sweat and even more intimate bodily fluids, watching as Nodoka and Collet kissed and clumsily began to make love to each other, she considered that of all the ways she thought she'd give herself to someone for the first time, she always took it for granted that there would be a boy involved…

...

**Depraved**

"So…" Paio Zi said. "You like blood?"

Tsukuyomi nodded, smiling beatifically. "Mean Setsuna-sempai tricked me though. She used this magic item Fate-han was going to use on Negi-kun to make me swear never to harm anyone again. That's so mean! Oh, Setsuna-sempai … Negi-kun …"

Tsukuyomi paused as Paio reached up a hand and bit her finger. Blood welled up from the wound, and the former-swordswoman stared, transfixed. The bounty-hunter smiled naughtily, and began to run her finger down her neck, the blood dripping…

Tsukuyomi gulped. "Um, so, what do you like?" she asked as she suddenly found herself on the wrong side of uncomfortable in a conversation.

"Boobies," Paio said, tapping her bloody finger on her cheek and leaving little dark marks.

Tsukuyomi gulped again, staring at the pretty, pretty color. "I have boobies."

Chichigami-sama grinned. "And I have blood. Maybe we can work something out…"

Because anything for boobies!

...

**Best Friends 3: The R of the S**

Emily Sevensheep was the most infuriating person Collet had ever met. How dare she just butt in on Yue like that and tell her she had feelings for her! How dare she just push her way into Yue's room, and their friendship, and get between Collet and Yue and Nodoka, and make Yue make those sounds!

And how dare she always be on top!-?-! The only one she got under for was Yue!

"Oi, why does Yue get to be on top?-!" Collet demanded when Emily had rolled her over onto her back again when the floppy-eared girl tried to straddle her.

"The knight in shining armor who saves damsels from dragons gets special privileges," Emily said.

There was no way for Collet to argue with that, but she was still mad.

Later, she asked Beatrix about that. The girl showed her that those who rescue girls from dragons did, _indeed_, get special perks…

...

**Happily Ever After**

"Everyone, I would like you all to once more welcome Ayase Yue, who once came to us as Yue Farandole, recently graduated from Mahora Academy and who will be rejoining us to continue training as a Valkyrie."

Student stared as the closed-mouth-looking bowed at them in greeting. The girls in Ariadne uniforms standing to either side of her weren't nearly as composed or disciplined, and looked around with curiosity and really big grins. Murmurs began to rose, and there were glances at the class rep, who looked strangely unperturbed.

"Also joining us," the teacher continued, "are Kagurazak Asuna, Konoe Konoka, Fei Ku, Akashi Yuna, Asakura Kazumi, Saotome Haruna, Sakurazaki Setsuna, Nagase Kaede Miyazaki Nodoka and Murakami Natsumi. Please make them feel welcome."

Murmurs rose higher, and the words Ala Alba kept repeating, over and over again. The new girls all went to vacant seats, some skipping in overly bubbly fashion. Yue sat next to Emily, and those who remembered them boggled at Yue's friendly nod. And fell off their chairs as the class rep firmly kissed her on the cheek, to the outrage of her steady girlfriend Collet.

"Ahem," the teacher said, dutifully ignoring this. "I must also announce that as of today, you will have a new Homeroom and Magical Theory teacher. Please all rise to greet him, and don't be difficult."

A re-headed young man entered the room and smiled at them. "Hello, I'm Negi Springfield," the Prince of Ostia and Vespertatia, Winner of the 19th and 20th Springfield Trophy of the Ostia Festival, and savior of the world said. "Pleased to meet you all."

Naturally, chaos erupted.

And in Megalomesembria, stubborn old officials finally threw away any lingering plans they had about retaliating through Negi Springfield. Facing the entire female population of Ariadne just wasn't worth it…

...

**- End**

...

A/N: why is it that I only seem to lose my Midas Touch: Anything to Crack special ability when I write about Negima lesbians?

'Best Friends' is used strictly in the Nanoha sense.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. More Tales of Yue's Harem

A/N: Just a few things…

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More Tales of Yue's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Akamatsu owns them all. I don't Please don't sue me.

...

**Whip**

Point in fact, Haruna has never used a whip in her life. That said, the physics of whips in her manga are actually quite accurate, if a bit exaggerated. And while it looks nice in a drawing to hang someone upside down by their legs to whip them with their panties showing, you can't do it for long, since all the blood goes to their head. Plus it's more fun when they can't move.

"Naughty girl," Yue said tonelessly at Haruna, who was strapped face-down to the bed with silk ropes. "You _dare_ think to draw your master in such a position?"

"Whip me good, Yue-sama!" Haruna cried.

Yup, she's never used a whip in her life…

...

**Polyamory**

In the aftermath of what would later be infamously known as the '3-A and Negi-sensei Orgy', a defeated Chisame looked out over the clumps of naked girls– and one boy– and sighed, doing the math in her head. "We're going to need some kind of schedule," she muttered as her hand absently ran its finger through Zazie's hair. She knew it was Zazie because her sister had last been seen with Sayo. "And really big beds. Or maybe just put a lot of mattresses on the floor."

Zazie gave her a blank look and reached down. Chisame gasped. "Chisame," the mazoku said. "Not the time…"

...

**A Girl and Her...**

Contrary to popular belief, Kotaro liked doing it face to face. He told Natsumi it was because he wanted her to know it was because he wanted to be with _her_, freckles and all– _especially_ the freckles– not some anonymous back.

Natsumi might have thought he was just buttering her up– not that he needed to– but it was hard to deny the evidence of the fact his face was always the first one she saw.

And she'd always treasure the memory of Haruna getting her ass handed to her when she asked if Kotaro ever did it in Inu-mode one too many times…

...

**Audacia…**

Yue had wondered what exactly Nodoka had done to Dynamis. Surely Asakura had been exaggerating when she'd retold the story.

When they'd refought the shadow-weaver, he'd tried nearly every means at his disposal to take down the mind-reader, up to and including dropping an elephant, a safe, a refrigerator, a grand piano, and trying to hit her with something called Starlight Breaker. It was, Fate's girls admitted, the first time they'd ever really seen the man go nuts.

Nodoka had just taken his Code of the Lifemaker again and hit him over the head with it until he was unconscious, apologizing the whole while.

The only reason, legend would later say, that she hadn't done the same to Fate was because Negi got there first.

Since then, the saying goes in the Magical World, they measured magical strength by Springfield (either one), the measured strength of arms by Jack Rakan, they measured evil by Dark Evangel (despite many people protesting she's actually a very nice person who just needs a hug), they measured nobility by Queen Arika…

But they measured courage by Miyazaki Nodoka.

...

**G****amer**

Evangeline never played dating sims.

She played games to occupy herself, for visceral excitement and bloodshed. She made it a point never to pay attention to the weepy story– though some things, like Aerith's death, still managed to get through– and just plow through whatever mooks were in her way. Resident Evil was a godsend that way. The story made so little sense it couldn't possibly sneak up one her while she was playing.

After all, she played games to get away from real life. If she wanted to play games about some nobody kid suddenly waking up one day and building a harem of girls of various kinds of fetish fuel, then she'd whip the Boya around a little.

Besides, she hated how easy it always was to unlock the vampire girl's route.

It was an annoying instance of Truth in Gaming…

...

**Vampires**

"No Evangeline, you may NOT go on a 'field trip' to kill Stephanie Meyer…" the Headmaster said. "I sympathize, I really do, but no."

"How about Laurell Hamilton?" Evangeline asked hopefully.

"No. Inugami already asked."

"The Rice woman?"

"I hear she's disowned those books."

"Sesame Street?"

"Now you're just stretching."

...

**Idiot Hero**

"Negi-sensei," Chisame asked. "_Why _are you wearing a coat that belongs on the set of El Dorado?"

...

**- More End  
**

...

A/N: I dearly hope to see a Nodoka versus Dynamis rematch. She'd kick his ass properly this time, for sure!

I'm weird that way. I'm rooting for Chachamaru romantically (that is, just a hair more for her than anyone else), but when it comes to asskickings, I'm a Nodoka-boy all the way.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Further Tales of Yue's Harem

A/N: Because Yue is the TRUE Pimp Masta in Negima. She's just generously allowing her favorite boy toy to have his name in lights.

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Further Tales of Yue's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Akamatsu owns it all. Yue, of course, is the true star of Negima. She's just letting Negi get the billing because she likes him.

...

**Reprogramming**

Chisame stared at Evangeline, her expression the perfect facial equivalent of a flat "What". "I'm sorry, I'm not sure I'm getting this right."

The blonde vampire glared at her imperiously, and only Chisame's extensive cosplaying experience and familiarity with Evangeline allowed her to identify the small, almost microscopic clues that declared Evangeline was actually embarrassed. "What's not to understand, hacker-girl?" Evangeline said, crossing her arms over her T-shirt of a wizard riding a zombie dinosaur. "It's just a little reprogramming. With that Artifact of yours, you should be done like that." She snapped her fingers.

Chisame sighed, resisting the urge to take off her glasses and rub her eyes. "You want me," she said tiredly, "to reprogram Final Fantasy VII so Aerith doesn't die and Cloud ends up in a threesome with her and Tifa."

"And for the final boss battle to be harder than Ruby Weapon," Evangeline reminded her. "And I want you to reprogram Dirge of Cerberus so Shelke has more fan-service shots. And her sister doesn't die. And let me actually fight Omega Weapon. And– hey, where are you going!-? Get back here, girl!"

...

**Sibling Rivalry**

Tertium– though he infinitely preferred his chosen name of Fate– glared angrily at his nominal sister, clutching Negi's arm possessively. "I saw him first," he declared, as if that settled it.

Sextum– who still had no idea why people blushed or burst out giggling at her name– just as possessively clutched Negi's other arm. "I have boobs," she said, as if _that_ settled it.

Negi sweated. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"No," the two Averuncci said flatly, not looking away from each other.

...

**Metafictional Blues**

Quintum and Quartum sighed as they proceeded to get drunk. "How fast we have been relegated to mobile scenery," the latter said. "Only one chapter in. On our first appearance, even. That's got to be a record."

"Why couldn't we have gotten better establishing scenes?" his brother sighed. "I mean, us going in and attacking two well-loved characters from the get-go… that's going to take a lot of character development to overcome!"

Quartum nodded morosely. "We're going to end up as shallow and two-dimensional as the fanfic versions of Narusegawa Naru and Tendo Akane. At least _they_ had their brief moment of being liked. _We're_ just screwed for the foreseeable eternity."

They sighed again.

There was a shuffle, and "Poyo" sat down next to them, waving a finger for a drink. Behind her, a late-to-the-party Negima fan railed at her and screamed, "DAMN YOU ZAZIE! B1TCH! WHORE! FURRY TWILIGHT FAN!" before a more experienced fan caught his attention and showed him something. There was much blushing and cries of "Sorry Zazie-san! My mistake!" to Zazie, who was seated on at another table before fan glared at "Poyo", said a few less heartfelt insults and slunk off, glaring darkly at Quintum and Quartum as he left. The two Averuncci sighed.

"Damn it, it's not fair!" Quartum said, looking balefully at "Poyo". "They've basically forgiven you already! That's just not fair!"

"Boobs," "Poyo" said, sipping her Splot. "They get you forgiven anything…"

The two Averuncci sighed again.

"Maybe we can be good guys in Akamatsu's next series…" Quintum prayed.

...

**And I Must Scream**

Asuna stared at the …_ thing_, twitching. Negi's jaw hung open, swaying from side to side as his eyes began to go all swirly. Yue's mouth was chattering a mile a minute about obscure philosophical texts and pornography, while Nodoka buried her face in her hands and tried to forget what she saw. Most everyone else in Ala Alba was in similar states of shock, though Chachamaru was backing up her memory, Evangeline was complaining her scenes were too short, and Chamo was wondering whether he'd been sent to Kosmo Entelekhia again.

Haruna grinned at them widely. "Well? What do you think? It's the most popular series on Mundus Magicus, and has already made more money than the first five Ala Rubra films combined! And that's not counting the added revenue from the manga, figurines, Visual Novels, guide books, movie remakes… and, I being the generous soul that I am, generously have you current percentages of the royalties right here." She waved several envelopes at them.

That broke the silence, along with Asuna's last nerve.

"_**HARUNA!**_" she cried, her sword appearing in her hands. "_**DIE!**_"

Haruna gave a yelp and started running as the insane-with-anger Twilight imperial Princess chased her, Setsuna less than a heartbeat behind. Every stayed behind, just staring at the big screen TV.

"I don't remember Yue and I having sex in the library during the School Festival," Nodoka finally managed to get out.

"And I'm pretty sure Kaede, Ku and I didn't have sex in the water when we were trying to get the magic book from Library Island," Makie said, wiping the drool from her mouth.

"I DON'T MAKE WEBCAM PORN OF MYSELF!" Chisame finally managed to scream out.

"I'm still waiting for the Boya to make moves on me like that when I'm naked," Evangeline said in annoyance.

Yue sighed. "This is what we get for letting Haruna instead of Asakura tell the story. Of _course_ she'd turn it into a hentai series…"

Negi just stared, mouth slightly parted and twitching slightly as his inner psyche tried to scream from the scenes of Jack Rakan and him 'training'…

...

**Uses of Mistletoe**

"Yue…"

"Yes Nodoka?"

"Why do you have mistletoe hanging from your waist?"

"You're supposed to kiss what's under the mistletoe, obviously."

"**!**"

...

**Negi Hits Puberty**

Finally, the day Chisame had been dreading had arrived.

"AHHHH!" Makie cried in disgust and horror, pointing at Negi's face. "Negi-kun w-what happened to you beautiful face?"

Ayaka recoiled, just as disturbed. "It… it's horrible, Negi-sensei! Your face!"

Negi blinked as he looked at the rest of the class, who all screamed, looked away, raised crosses, a picture of Tom Selleck, garlic, ofuda and other such things, or some combination of the above. "What's wrong with my new moustache?"

"IT'S HIDEOUS!" the class chorused. "OUR CUTE NEGI-SENSEI IS GONE FOREVER!"

"I think facial hair is very hot…" Zazie said.

...

"**Why Jurisfiction Loves Akamatsu-Dono" or "Why There Are Always Lots of People And Weird Creatures Who Can't Possibly Be Costumes In The Background, Especially During The School Festival!"**

"This," Thursday said as she used a Bazooka to shoot a giant spider-tank robot, "is brilliant!"

"Wait 'til we get to the Ostia Arc," Mary said, fighting guns akimbo with a pair of pistols. "The Nagi-manju is to _die_ for… plus the gladiators… the buff, shirtless gladiators…"

They sighed.

"I _love_ this job…" Thursday said.

...

**A Very Bad Idea…**

Negi stared at the stuffed animal in front of him as Chamo twitched and shook with terror on his shoulder. "Um, what's this, exactly?"

"It's an Entrail Animal!" the nice lady said, smiling brightly. "It's a very rare edition of Waffle-ironed Ermine! I hope you like it!"

"Um, thanks…?" Negi said, blinking in confusion as the nice lady skipped off.

The next day, he woke up wearing a blue bracelet and missing a very important piece of anatomy. Much screaming ensued.

"So we have _another_ magical talking ermine now?" Asuna said as Setsuna stared at Negi, treacherous thoughts bubbling in her head. Oddly, the same thoughts were bubbling in Konoka's…

"Hi!" the Entrail Animal said. "I'm Waffle-ironed Ermine, a Messenger of the Moderators! Pleased to meet you!"

Needless to say, Red, Blue _and_ White Kämpfer were soon in a deadlock, though not for long…

"Shota is best!" cried Shizuka, tugging on Negi's arm.

"Blasphemy! Obviously Loli is best!" cried Mikoto.

Negi sighed. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"_**NO!**_"

...

**Magical Memetic Sex Goddess Yue!**

"In other news, the city-state of Ariadne today announced it was renaming itself the Queendom of Yue. The international community was rocked by this sudden news, though keen observers have been predicting this for some time. Emily Sevensheep, head Sobame and Prime Ministra of Her Luscious Majesty Queen Yue the First, today announced in a press conference that the Queendom of Yue's education and Foreign policy would remain unchanged, stating that the Queendom would remain as neutral in it's dealings as before.

"Her Luscious Majesty Queen Yue was unavailable for comment, though strong sources report that she was in a private meeting with the newly revealed Prince Negi of Ostia and his Ministra, of which the new Queen is one, as well as several attendants. The still-ongoing meeting is reported to be very heated. Sources claim they have heard shounting, indistinct swearing and the sounds of furniture being broken. Prime Ministra Sevensheep, who is also in attendance, claims that there is no cause for alarm, and that it is all a result of high spirits. Those she spoke to report that the Prime Ministra appeared flushed and sweating, her clothing askew, though this was explained as due to the general tension in the room…

"In other news, the new Ala Alba series by the celebrated artist Paru-sama was released today, and spoilers are already gushing about the secret love affair between Sakurazaki Setsuna and the Twilight Imperial Princess…"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: I've been ready– well, listening to the audiobooks, really– to Jasper Fforde's _**Thursday Next **_books. Think Terry Pratchett let loose on TvTropes and using every public domain character he can get his hands on. The implications of the series in a fanfic are terrifying.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Return to Yue's Harem

A/N: It's back! Now with actual Yue!

...

Return to Yue's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima and all the other good stuff doesn't belong to me. I'm only using them for a little while. I'll put them back, I swear!

...

**The Melancholy of Saotome Haruna…**

_My name is Hasegawa Chisame... and I am in hell._

"My name is Saotome Haruna! I don't like normal people! All aliens, time-travelers, espers, magical girls, robots, vampires, werewolves, wizards, princesses, psychos, demons, half-demons, ghosts, ninja, and sliders, come to me! Everyone else, buzz off!"

_Really, almost literally, in hell._

"I'm afraid I must be honest with you, Chisame-chan. You see, I am actually a time-traveling alien from the planet Mars who is descended from our English teacher..."

_Which is grossly unfair, because I'm not even Christian._

"I am Dark Evangel, mortal. Beware my power!"

_I'm sharing a classroom with a bunch of lunatics..._

"Ahh! Chisame -san, I'm afraid I'll have to erase your memory! If anyone finds out I'm a wizard, I'll be turned into an ermine!"

_And the most depressing part is..._

"Hello, Chisame-san. Would you like some tea?"

_Is that the biggest lunatic of all..._

"Chisame-san, -poyo. We need to talk-poyo."

_Who's looking for all the other lunatics..._

"Chisame -san... I'm afraid I can't let you get between me and Setsuna-sempai! "

_IS BOTH TOO INSANE AND STUPID TO NOTICE THEM!_

"GAH! Why is the word so BORING!-?"

_Cousin Kyon... Any advise?_

**Some time later**…

_Dear Chisame_

_I feel your pain. Welcome to hell…_

...

**Meet and Greet**

"I can't believe it," Nanoha said, shaking her head in disbelief, adjusting her uniform as she and her friends walked. "An entire world, an entire _civilization _of mages, right under our noses for _ten years_, and we didn't notice. Did you notice?"

Signum raised her eyebrow at the other woman. "Why are you asking us?"

"Well, you and the other Wolkenritter have some skill with finding people with magic, I figured…"

"You're never going to let that go, are you?" Signum sighed.

"You could have just _asked_," Fate said. "You could have just told us when Nanoha was asking Vita all those times. It's not like she never gave you the opportunity. I mean, every other word she said when she talked to you was 'talk to me!'."

"Oh, stop it you two," Hayate said over her shoulder. "We're almost there."

The next hour or so was filled with pomp and circumstance. The ambassadors from the nations of Mundus Magicus arrived in their strangely fish-like vessels. The revelation of their existence was still a shock to the TSAB. The nerds were still going nuts about the discovery of a whole different way to do magic.

Fate, Nanoha and Hayate were there as a public relations stunt, to show how the TSAB had links to Earth as well. It didn't seem to be having much effect, and the three really hadn't expected it to. After all, the three of them were basically nobodies on Earth.

As Nanoha smiled and made small talk with the Twilight Imperial Princess of Ostia– the girl looked to be in her mid-teens, at most, though she was apparently much, _much_ older– she heard a surprised squeal from Hayate, and turned in surprise. Hayate was holding hands with a young girl who looked barely in her teens, and Nanoha recognized Queen Yue the First of the Queendom of Yue, formerly Ariadne, though she was apparently sixteen herself.

"So _this _is where you've been!" Yue was saying, while her body guards looked flustered and uncomfortable. "Is this why you stopped emailing me?"

"Ah, sorry, Yue-chan– I mean, your Majesty!" Hayate said, correcting herself. "I couldn't tell you that, well…"

"That you were a mage?" Yue said, smiling. "Yes, I've been there myself. Earth's a tough place to be a mage. I was fourteen when I became one. You?"

"Nine," Hayate said.

"You poor thing," Yue said.

As Nanoha looked between the two of them, and the various top brasses began whispering, the Twilight Imperial Princess said, "Eh? You know her, Yue-chi?"

As Nanoha blinked at the familiarity of the address, her Majesty turned to the Twilight Imperial Princess. "Yes, Hayate-chan and I were pen pals. We met during a meet and greet of the Library Club."

"Huh," the Imperial Twilight Princess said. "What a coincidentally small universe."

"Oh, don't be like that, Asuna-chan," Yue said. "It doesn't suit you. Leave it to Chisame-chan."

"Someone mention my name?"

The group turned to see a dignified, practically icy woman wearing a rather nice dress. An embarrassed looking Vita was with her, looking too mortified to try and break from the woman's grip.

"Hey, Chisame-chan," the Twilight Imperial Princess said, waving a negligent hand. "Who's this?"

The woman, who Nanoha was surprised to realize was a high-ranking adviser for the Prince of Ostia, tugged Vita forward. "I've finally found her. I've found Sanada Mikoto!"

Most of those around them perked up, recognizing the name of the writer of the popular fantasy epic "Knights of the Sky Queen". It was one of the few pieces of literature from Earth that was popular in the TSAB worlds, although it was unknown how they were circulated.

"What?-!" Yue and Hayate chorused, staring at her. "How?"

"Oh, I've known what she's looked like for years," the adviser said smugly. "I hacked the publishing house. I've just never _found _her. Until now." She made a flourish towards Vita, who looked like she wanted to die. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present Vita Yagami, a.k.a., Sanada Mikoto."

Everyone blinked, staring at Vita. She looked longingly at the toothpicks on a nearby tray of food, as if she wanted to jab them into her eyes and kill herself that way.

Yue coughed. "Miss, my city is desperately in need of someone of your literary skills. How would you like to be one of my sobame?"

"Over my dead body," Hayate said sweetly. "I saw her first."

Yue thought this over. "You know, we could use an official ambassador to the TSAB…"

"Yue!" the Adviser and the Imperial Twilight Princess both cried. "Not every problem can be solved by recruiting someone to your harem!"

Yue shrugged. "It's worked for me and Negi so far…"

...

**The Courtship of Paio Zi and Tsukuyomi**

It was a difficult relationship. Paoi Zi had to change her diet completely so that her blood replenished faster, and Tsukuyomi had to deal with the whole new issue of looking for some cream to relieve soreness on her breasts.

Still, everyone they knew weren't _too_ surprised to hear they were getting married. Ala Alba _was_ surprised to get invitations though.

After the wedding, Konoka, Setsuna and Nodoka disappeared. When they finally turned up again, the latter two absolutely refused to talk about what happened. Konoka just smiled enigmatically. The only thing anyone ever found out was that Yue noticed strange handprints on Nodoka's breasts, and Konoka was heard collecting information on a honeymoon resort in the Hellas empire…

...

**Know Fear. Conquer it. **

"You know, we really should have seen this coming," Chisame said philosophically as explosions happened in the background.

Ako nodded, making sure her safety helmet was on securely as they huddled behind some rubble. "She was always good at operating even when she was afraid."

"Utterly terrified," Chisame said serenely. They both lowered their heads as a bus passed by overhead, barely missing them.

"How's it going?" Ako asked.

Chisame pulled out her pocket mirror and angel over their shelter. "Yue's about to break out her bombardment-type ice-storm spells, Negi's down– looks like Sinestro ground him into water while he was in lightning form– Kaede's clones are trying to revive Chachamaru–"

"Hakase really needs to put that reset button somewhere other than Chachamaru's breasts," Ako said.

"– Asuna's trying another charge–"

"She still hasn't realized she's not negating that yellow ring of his?"

"– and… and, there we are. Honya-chan's gotten pissed, and… yes, she just used that new green ring of hers to summon some kind of Lovecraft's things."

Terrified screaming began to echo in the air.

Ako shook her head. "Never mess with a librarian who reads a lot of scary shit…"

"Or lives with Haruna," Chisame said. There was a meaty sound of impact as Superman flew over their hiding place.

"That's the same thing," Ako said.

...

**Ah, My Sanity!**

Madoka was, unknown to her, one of the few remaining normal people in her class. While others had luck-bending powers to rival, say, Matrim Cauthon, were either ghosts, ninja, vampires, robots, some degree of magic user or another, rich or were turning into pornomancer-Magic-Knight-Genius-Bruiser-librarians, she's been enjoying a mostly ordinary life.

And then, the day before her first week of high school, while her roommates were away and she was philosophically contemplating how she seemed to be drifting apart from her classmates, she decided to order some take out…

CLICK!

"Hello, this is the Goddess Relief Office. Please stay where you are. One of our personnel will be along shortly to process your wish."

It would later turn out that wishing she had 'More in common with her classmates so she could relate to them more and not drift apart from them' turned out to be a _really_ bad idea. Skuld was not amused. Though she eventually learned to deal with being a magical girlfriend...

...

**Butler**** Troubles**

Asuna stared at Ayaka. "Say that again?" the red-head said slowly, unsure if she'd been hallucinating. After all the knocks to the head, induced unconsciousness and general messing of her memories she'd gone through in Mundus Magicus, it surprised her it had taken her this long to lose a few marbles.

"I wish to hire you as my butler," Ayaka said.

"That's what I was afraid you'd said," Asuna said. She eyed the blonde. "What are you up to? I might have lost my paper route, but I'm not desperate enough to take a job as your personal butt monkey just to make ends meet!"

"Nothing of the sort!" Ayaka said, sounding genuinely offended at the notion. "I wouldn't stoop to such base and abusive methods. Do I look like Luviagelita Edelfelt to you?"

In **_Fate/Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya 2Wei!_** Luvia sneezed.

"Then why?" Asuna asked, more curious then annoyed now, but she had an image to maintain.

Ayaka seemed to understand, ignoring her tone. "I have need of a butler," she said. "Craig-san is retiring soon, and until his proper replacement arrives, we need one. Craig-san would wait for the replacement to arrive before retiring, but last week he had to deal with some Yakuza trying to kidnap some of my maids, and wrenched his back, poor man. So I'll need a temporary butler in the meantime."

"Again, why me?" Asuna asked, frowning.

Ayaka looked like someone was pulling her tooth out via her rectum. "I trust you," she ground out.

Asuna blinked. "Sorry?"

"I trust you," Ayaka repeated herself, sounding like she'd ground off an entire layer of enamel. "And you are the only one I know strong enough for the position."

"Huh?" Asuna asked.

"Look, you want the job, or not?" Ayaka demanded.

"What's in it for me?" Asuna demanded, trying her best to hold on to as much of her 'tsun-tsun' as possible.

Ayaka held out a check. The last number was very far from the decimal point.

"I'm in!" Asuna cried. "What do I do?"

_What she does…_

"I hate my life," Asuna ground out. Really, she hated her life.

"Butler Hayate, there are several robots trying to flank our position from behind," Alfred Pennyworth directed, not looking up from his map, which had been drawn from memory on the underside of a serving tray. "Jeffrey, please deal with the ninja about to descend upon us. I believe your experience with your employer Mr. Chuck Norris will assist you there. Norman, I believe you can best deal with those giant robots approaching us. Noel, I believe your weaponry can assist there as well. Space Butler, Sasuke, those killer rabbits please. Asuna, I would appreciate it greatly if you will deprive those rather badly dressed gentlemen of their wands. Flandre, Hiro, assist her. Rin, Miyu, you may take those on our other side."

"I hate Japan," Bruce Wayne sighed.

"Go Hayate!" Nagi cried. "Show them all that Sanzenin butlers are the best!"

"Can you please be quieter, Sasuke?" Kuno Tatewaki said. "I am trying to read."

"I wish Nanoha were here," Suzuka sighed. "Would anyone like some biscuits?"

"I'll take some," Ayaka said. "Does anyone have a napkin?"

"Here," Bruce said resignedly, offering his.

"How noisy," Princess Lillianne said, glancing up briefly from her chess game with Luvia.

"I am terribly sorry about the barbaric conditions, ladies, sirs," Alfred apologized. "Our arrival might be a bit delayed."

"**_I HATE YOU, AYAKA!_**" Asuna cried. "**_I HATE YOU!_**"

...

**Meet the Parents**

Natsumi had been expecting Kotaro to… well, not to put to fine a point to it, but she and everyone else had always assumed he was an orphan. After all, taking on bounty hunting jobs at his age wasn't exactly a good sign of a supportive family. So it completely threw her for a loop when he suggested they go visit his parents.

That had led to her second assumption about him she assumed they'd be somewhere in the countryside, in some isolated house outside an equally isolated village where half the people were secretly youkai.

Not a temple in Tokyo.

As Natsumi awkwardly introduced herself to the residents of the Higurashi shrine, she wondered what else her boyfriend hadn't told her…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: PLEASE REVIEW!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	5. Yue's Harem Strikes Back!

A/N: A collection of stuff originally posted at the TvTropes Negima Fanfic forum. All by me, of course. More harem and less Yue here, unfortunately…

...

Yue's Harem Strikes Back!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima and all the other good stuff doesn't belong to me. I'm only using them for a little while. I'll put them back, I swear!

...

_**F**__**OR GREAT JUSTICE!**_

There had been An Incident. Cross-dimensional thingies and elder gods of some sort had been involved. But when everything was over, and there was only getting their visitors back home to worry about, the League had foisted them of on Young Justice (well, it was better than Speedy's 'Junior Justice League') until they were able to make the machine to send them back.

"So, you're _really_ from Mars?" Megan said as she chatted with Asuna on the couch in the living area.

"Technically, " Asuna said. "I mean, it's technically _on_ Mars, it's just kinda to one side in a magical dimension. But yeah, basically I'm a magical martian princess, for a certain value of Martian."

"Cool!"

"Done!" Chisame announced, smirking at Robin. "Hacked Public Safety Division 4's database. In your face!"

"Darn it!" Robin cried, as his holographic display only then signaled it was done. "Rematch! First one to hack the most Swiss banks wins!"

"Sore loser, " Chisame sneered, grabbing her scepter and the race was on again.

"You were right, " Aqualad said as he stroked the little furry thing with a smile. "Kittens _are_ therapeutic."

Chachamaru smiled in satisfaction as she converted yet another soul to the Neko side. "Here, allow me to show you where they like to be scratched..."

There was a splat as Kid Flash slammed into yet another wall.

At the finish line, Cocone raised an arm. "Misora wins."

"No fair!" Kid Flash cried out as he straightened his nose. "Do over!"

The mage-nun smirked at him. "Hey, not my fault you can't turn or stop worth damn! How about I get someone to make you training wheels?"

Kid Flash glared at her before he smiled. "Damn, you're perfect! A cute girl who can keep up with me!"

"Let's go redecorate the command room!" Misora cried.

"I'll get the paint!" Kid flash agreed, and they dashed off.

Cocone sniffed. "Misora, I want in on it too..." she whispered.

Superboy stared down nervously at the smiling boy across from him. "Negi, I think we need to stop talking to each other."

Negi blinked, looking shocked and hurt. "Huh? Why?"

"I think you're making me gay. Honestly, my self-image isn't strong enough to be around you..."

_Somewhere in another universe, the Averunccus line sneezed..__._

...

_**At The Seraglio Bar**_

Ranma, Negi, Nanoha, Tenchi, Yuuto, Kyon, and Kazuki all sat at the bar, staring intently into thier cups like they held the secrets of the universe. This fic having kids, they were all drinking soft drinks.

"More than twenty years and it doesn't get any easier, " Ranma grumbled. "Damn it, Takahashi! You gave the dog a proper resolution, you gave Maison Ikkoku a porper resolution, heck you even gave the nun-fetishist boxer a proper resolution! _**WHY NOT ME?-!**_"

If he was less manly, what he did next could have been described as sobbing into his drink. Tenchi idly patted him on the back. As the second most senior, he knew what the other man was going through. Hell, they'd been through it side by side several times over the years.

Negi and Nanoha gulped. "Is it really that bad?" Negi asked, clutching his lemonade.

Tenchi nodded solemnly. "If it ends without a proper resolution... well, the shipping wars will echo across time. And even if there sometimes IS. Have you heard of Keitaro?"

Negi nodded slowly.

"Because of the damned anime, a lot of people don't consider his wedding cannon, despite the fact his wife obviously loves him... albeit in a slightly violent way, " Tenchi said. "If your love interest has hit you even ONCE, thn no matter how fluffy the two of you get, peope are sti going to try to break you up."

"But..." Nanoha said. "I've hit EVERYONE of my love interests!"

"Yes, but you get an exception, " Ranma said sadly. "You have PERMANENT boobs."

They all sighed.

"And the worse thing is, we'll be the ones who get remembered," Yuuto said. "The harem as a genre is dying out. After all, Akamatsu said so and as everyone knows..."

_"AKAMATSU DID THE RESEARCH!"_ they all chorused, taking a drink.

The door of the bar opened, and Chisame and Yue walked in. They saw Negi and made a beeline towards him. "Hey, sensei, aren't you a little too young to be in a bar?" Chisame said.

"No age limit," Kazuki said, pointing at the rules. It said nothing about incest, shotacon, lolicon, or any of a lot of squick.

"Why are we here, sensei?" Yue asked.

"Because it's about to happen to you too, " Negi said. "In fact, it has already. And when you realize it, you'll want to go here to forget."

The two girls blinked. "Forget what?" Chisame asked.

"You've heard of gay bars, lesbian bars and biker bars?" Kyon said. "Well, this is the harem sufferers bar. Drink up."

...

_**Infringement**_

"DIE, BITCH!" Anya cried, throwing fire spells of varying lethality

"MAKE ME, YOU FLAT-CHESTED SKANK!" Homura snarled, in her burnign form and replying back just as lethally.

"_WHO ARE CALLING SOMEONE WITH SUCH A SMALL CHEST IT CAN'T BE SEEN WITH A MICROSCOPE!_"

"_I DIDN'T SAY THAT, BUT I WISH IT THOUGHT OF IT, FLATTY!_"

"**DIE!**"

"**BURN!**"

Luna and Nodoka both sweatdropped. "Girls, can't we just get along?" the ex-spy asked.

"_**NO**_!" the two flame-users cried. "_**THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE FLAME USING LOVE-INTEREST WITH THIS HAIRSTYLE!**_"

Nodoka and Luna sighed again. "Where are Yue, Negi and Chisame to Pornomancer them into submission when you need them?" Nodoka asked.

Luna patted her in a comforting manner.

Nodoka blushed. "Luna, you're supposed to pat me on the back, not the ass."

They watched the two still going at it and sighed one last time.

"We really shouldn't have let them talk to Sasuke-san..." Luna mused philosophically.

_Elsewhere_…

"Itachi is dead!" Sasuke cried. "Finally, there is only one dark-haired pretty boy with weird red eyes in this manga!"

Naruto facepalmed. "THAT'S why you wanted to kill him?" he said in disbelief.

Sasuke gave him a look as if to say Naruto was being an idiot, which was basically a more intense version of his usual look for Naruto. "Well, DUH."

"Kishimoto! I demand you reboot this manga to something with a more understandable plot and fewer Ex Machinas!" Naruto cried.

...

_**Game Breaker**_

"So... this entire world is made of data?" Chisame said. She began to grin.

Lucimon smirked at her. "I don't see why you feel this helps you, human! I am still the most powerful being in the Digital World."

Chisame drew out her Card. "_ADEAT!_" she cried.

Pro-tip: don't mess with someone with a data-manipulating Artifact someplace made completely of data...

...

_**3-A Sex Ed**_

At last, the day many in 3-A had lustily been waiting for had finally arrived: the day Negi had to talk about human reproduction.

"HMPH HMH HMPH!" Asuna and Chisame cried from where they'd been tied, gagged and shoved under their desks.

"OH HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" Ayaka went, finally breaking out a proper oujo laugh. "At last! There's no way I'm letting you two busy-bodies interfere with this!"

"Sorry Asuna, " Konoka said, bowing to her friend in apology. The girl had been the one to blindside Asuna. Later reflection would say this as highly indicative of something...

"All right everyone! Make sure you have your bananas, lollipops and other long, thin foods to suck on suggestively for when Negi-sensei gets here!" Haruna said, passing them out.

As the bell rang, the class hurried to their seats, eagerly awaiting the spectacle to come. When the door slid open, however...

"Kaede?" Ayaka exclaimed.

The slanty-eyed girl smiled as she entered with a backpack and carrying a large carrier, like that used for big dogs. It obviously contained something. Water dripped from one corner. "Please sit down everyone. Negi-sensei has asked me to be the one to handle the sex-education lecture."

_**"NNNNNNOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!"**_ Ayaka, Misa, Haruna, Nodoka and Evangeline cried in despair, plunging to their knees, their fists raised to rail against the heavens.

Yue blinked. "Nodoka?"

Nodoka blushed and slipped back into her seat, trying to pretend she'd been there the whole time.

"What do _you_ know about sex-ed?" Sakurako cried, pointing.

Kaede just smiled. "I'm a female ninja."

"What does that have to do with... any... thing..." Sakurako trailed off. Everyone got this sort of glazed look to their eyes. Said eyes soon widened, and a variety of expressions came over the class, from dawning comprehension to nosebleeds to slight nausea.

Kaede nodded, laying her backpack down on Negi's desk and opening the carrier, pulling out a creature the size of a large dog. Everyone drew back slightly in reflex. "This is Octillery-kun. I've had him since I was about nine, and he's had me. Isn't he adorable? Now, since you're all beginners, I've bought some lubricant..."

3-A wasn't seen for the rest of the day...

...

_**Valentines**_

Asuna told herself she wasn't spying as Negi wrapped up the box of chocolates, the home-made card with the rather sappy poem in it, and the flowers and put them all together in a box. "Whose it for?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

Negi blushed. "No one," he said.

She definitely wasn't stalking him as she followed behind and saw him drop it off in a mail box. Come the 02/14, no one in class seemed more smug than usual over the usual chaos of chocolates.

She'd almost forgotten about it until two weeks later. The package showed up at their door. It had been stamped, "Return to sender."

Where the destination was supposed to be, it merely said, "To mama. Happy Valentines Day."

She turned and walked out the door, and caught Konoka before she could arrive. They spend all day somewhere else, and when they got back to the dorm, the box was gone.

Both ignored the smell of rotting flowers coming from Negi's closet...

...

_**The **__**Other Way It Could Have Gone**_

Negi would always remember that night. When the demons had been about to kill him and Nekane, that woman had appeared. She was the most beautiful woman in the world. She had saved them, and defeated all the demons. They hadn't been able to touch her.

Afterwards, on that snowy hill overlooking what was left of his old home, the woman had knelt down to hug him, and called him son. And then she'd vanished.

Everyone always told Negi about his father, the Thousand Master, had been a great hero. But when he asked, no one would tell him who his mother was. They said he must have hallucinated what he saw.

Still, that night, he made a vow. And he made it again as he readied to leave for Japan, to become a teacher, the first step to becoming a Magister Magi.

"Mother…" he breathed. "I _know_ you're still alive. I swear, I won't rest until I find out who you are."

Because while his father had saved people, his mother had saved _him…_

...

_**Rating**_

Chamo never tried to rate Negi's feelings. Not because he found it distasteful or anything, and not just because of what the reaction of the girls might be. It was because he was afraid of what he would find.

Negi loved his class. That was instantly obvious to anyone with eyes. After all, he'd taken a spike to the chest of them, gone up against JACK RAKAN for them, risked his very soul for them. The fact he loved them was obvious.

But Chamo dreaded the day they realized what kind of love it was.

After all, their own charts contained a column for Ero, romantic, friendship or platonic. Would they ever wonder what column was filled with Negi's feelings?

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N:Please review, C&C welcome. LOTS OF REVIEWS!

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	6. It Came From Yue's Harem…!

A/N: Once more into the breach!

* * *

_It Came From Yue's Harem…!_

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima and all the other good stuff doesn't belong to me. I'm only using them for a little while. I'll put them back, I swear!

* * *

**_Badass Bookworms_**

Ala Alba waited at the airport, watching the new arrivals. It was Kazumi who spotted them first, her sharp eyes seeing their friends even through the rush. "There they are! Konoka-chan! Nodoka-chan! Yue-chan! Haruna-chan! Over here!"

The four librarians saw them, waving and pulling their bags towards the group. As they got closer, however, Ala Alba gasped.

"Ojou-sama!" Setsuna exclaimed, paling. "What happened to you?"

Konoka laughed easily, fingering the chunk missing from her ear. "Oh, this? It's nothing Set-chan, a Neo-Nazi's bullet just came too close. I thought I'd keep it as a souvenir."

Haruna pouted. "Only Konoka got anything cool this trip!" she complained. "All _I_ got was a new whip!" she pulled the long length of leather from her bag, showing it to everyone.

Yue rolled her eyes. "Don't mind her," the philosopher deadpanned. "She's just annoyed she didn't get the chance to drive the tank this time."

"Dr. Jones promised it was my turn this year!" Haruna cried. "It was in last year's minutes and everything! Damn you Indiana! I'm telling your sexy, Sean Connery-esque dad!"

Everyone looked at them in askance. "What about you, Nodoka?" Negi asked desperately. "Did _you_ have fun?"

Nodoka nodded enthusiastically. "Lady Himalaya Smedry taught all _sorts_ of new filing systems! I can't wait to try the reverse lighthouse method!"

Chamo suddenly straightened. "I smell panties, " he said. "Lot's of panties."

"Oh, that's just Yue, Haruna said. "They're her souvenirs."

"You bought panties as souvenirs?" Chisame asked, confused.

Yue looked shifty. "Not exactly 'bought'... they were sort of... _left_ to me."

The penny dropped, and Chamo fainted.

Haruna sighed melancholically. "I can't WAIT for next year's Badass Bookworm, Librarian and Archaeologist convention..."

I just hope we get something other than Neo Nazi's and Cold War Psychics this time," Yue said, it's getting repetitive.

"Don't worry!" Konoka said. "Yuuno-kun said he was going to show everyone something called 'Jewel Seeds' next year..."

* * *

**_TNT_**

Setsuna stared, twitching at the two women who, to her eternal mortification and soul-crushing agony, seemed to be getting along _quite_ well. "The world hates me," she whimpered. "It is trying to punish me for my sins and failures, and decided that death was too good for me."

Asuna rolled her eyes, hefting her harisen and debating whether giving Setsuna a good whack up the head with it would do any good. Better hold off until later. "You're being melodramatic, Setsuna. It's not that bad. At least she's melowed out and not longer out for you blood... or anything else."

"Give it time, " Setsuna said, mining the situation for all the gloom it held. Itoshiki Nozomu would have been proud. "She'll remember me eventually... and then sensei will remember she's still teaching me... and before you know it, I'll be perversely involved in their disturbing sexual roleplaying as the naughty truant student who needs to be punished..."

Asuna took a moment to wipe the corner of her mouth, eyeing Setsuna and wondering exactly how much the other girl was holding back. "Um... I don't know how to respond to that... But Konoka seems to be okay with them. I mean, there she is talking to them now..."

Setsuna perked up slightly, then became depressed again as she saw Konoka talking to the two. "This can only end in tears..."

"Set-chan!" Konoka called out, holding a riding crop and slapping it against her other hand. "Your sensei, kohai and Magistra want a word with you, you naughty student you..."

Setsuna sighed, rubbing her rear. "What did I tell you... disturbing sexual roleplaying that's going to end in tears... COMING OJOU-SAMA!"

Asuna rolled her eyes as the swordswoman walked over. "All that complaining, and yet it was her idea to introduce Touko-sensei and Tsukuyomi to each other... HEY, WAIT UNTIL I LEAVE THE SCENE BEFORE TAKING OFF YOUR— ACK! I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT!"

...

**_Names_**

It was all, clearly, Haruna's fault.

"My name is Sextum, " the Averruncus had said.

And Haruna, damn her, said it first. "Nice to meet you, Sexy-chan!"

Really, was there _any_ way to lose a nickname like that?

* * *

**_Soul_**

Hakase stared, flabbergasted, as Chachamaru rose to her feet shakily. "This is impossible! That EMP burst should have wiped out all data in your hard drives and your control systems! How are you still moving? Not that it isn't a good thing, but...

Chachamaru shrugged. "The human soul is not bound to heart, brain, bone or flesh. I do not see why mine would be bound to drives, wires, or actuator."

Hakase gave her a _look_. "Next you'll tell me there's life after death."

Sayo pouted to one side. "Why does everyone forget me?"

* * *

**_Decadent Habits_**

"Why," Sister Shakti said, "are these skirts so short?"

Akamatsu smiled. "Budget cuts?"

"I feel kinda sexy," Misora commented, checking out her new clothes in the mirror.

Cocone pouted, jealously clamping on to Misora's exposed legs. "**_Mine..._**" she claimed.

* * *

**_Equal and Opposite Attraction_**

"Hakase-san?" Chachamaru said, voice slightly muffled.

"Hmm...?" the scientist said as she frantically scribbled notes on this newest upgrade.

"Perhaps the super electromagnet isn't such a good idea, " the gynoid said from where she was glued to the refrigerator. "At least until you add an 'off' switch..."

* * *

**_Unequally Rational and Emotional_**

"—seriously, what's the point of giving me breasts?" Chachamaru ranted. "What good are they except to make me a sex object? And what's with the ears? HELLO, too much To Heart, I think, plus what's the point? More for the robo-fetishists? And—"

Chisame and Evangeline clutched at the front of a sweating Hakase's coat. "Get my personality out of her, " the hacker said.

"**_NOW_**, " Evangeline growled.

"— and seriously, a crush on Negi-sensei not only makes no biological sense, it—!"

* * *

**_Chisame/Beatrix: bonding over being the normal one_**

It was, Chisame found, nice to talk to someone who understood.

"He's constantly doing something stupid," she said, her back against the other girl's, tapping idly on her laptop. "Dark Magic training, researching ways to save the world— which is all well and good, but he was supposed to be training to fight Rakan, which is its OWN little bundle of stupidity altogether— looking for his father, insisting on 'Befriending' everyone we run into. And don't even get me started on the kinds of girls he attracts!"

Beatrix nodded, running a polishing cloth over her souken. "Ojou-sama is much the same. She is intelligent, but this intelligence seems to lead her to do... stupid things."

Chisame snorted. "Boy, do I know it. Why is it smart people can be such morons?"

She felt Beatrix shrug. "Hubris, I suppose."

"What would they do without us to keep them in line?" Chisame wondered.

"Hilarity will probably ensue," Beatrix predicted.

They both nodded, going back to doing their thing. After a while, Chisame shivered, pulling the blanket around her bare legs up to her equally bare shoulders.

"Is this technically, cheating, you think?" she said.

Bea put down the sword, turning so she could also cover her naked body with the sheet. "I don't see why. Ojou-sama is sleeping with Yue and Sextum managed to get to Negi-sama before you, that's all."

Chisame drooped slightly. "By old self would have screamed bloody murder at me considering this being the 'normal' one."

Beat nibbled at her ear, making her jerk. "Your old self," she said sensually, "obviously needed to get laid."

And they did.

* * *

**_Cargo Ship_**

Evangeline stared at the diminutive gynoid before her, under the effects of an age-change pill.

"Master?" Chachamaru asked, concerned.

Eva wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth. "Chachamaru, " she said thickly, "can I see you in my bedroom?"

Compacts, Eva realized, were fun after all.

* * *

**_The Twilight Zone_**

It was a perfectly normal day in Mahora. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the pedos were desiring their teacher when suddenly...

CRACK!

They entered the Twilight Zone...

Chisame rolled her eyes. "Big deal. The Twilight Zone would be an _improvement_."

Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Zone.

Suddenly, Evangeline screamed as she began to sparkle...

* * *

**_Averruncus Job Hunt_**

Quartum: Hey, I got a job!

Fate: Where?

Quartum: I'm Kaworu Nagisa's stunt double in the next Evangelion movie!

Quintum: Darn it! I was perfect for that job! All I got was a stint understudying to Rei Ayanami from Nobody Dies! I have to wear fake breasts!

Sextum: You shouldn't complain. **_I_** wanted that job. I'd switch with you in a heartbeat.

Fate: Why? What job did you get?

Sextum: Some sword-weilding magical girl.

Fate: Oh, that's no too bad..

Sextum: The script is by Gen Urobuchi.

(beat)

Fate: Brothers, a moment of silence for our sister's soon-to-be-dead sanity.

Quartum: On second thought, being a Rei-pist isn't so bad after all...

* * *

**AND NOW, WE INTERRUPT THIS FIC FOR SOME HOMURA-WORSHIP(Written around episode 10)**

Akemi Homura walked down the dark streets of Mitakihara, trying not to look suspicious. Not that the Yakuza would be likely to suspect little girls of having stolen thier entire arsenal, but they might decide to take their frustrations on one.

Suddenly, a figure stepped out of an alley into her view, directly in her path. "Akemi Homura?" the girl asked, her hair in twin buns, a blush on each cheek.

Homura frowned. "Yes?" she asked.

To her surprise, the girl walked up to her, took her hands, and started kissing them as she fell to her knees. "Hang in there!" the girl said. "You're my inspiration! Don't give up you, hear me? I'm rooting for you!"

Homura blinked, stumbling back in confusion as the girl released her hands. "W-what?"

The girl smiled and drew out what looked like a pocket watch. There was a click and she vanished.

"Show-off..." a voice behind Homura said, and she whirled to find a short, busty girl. The girl looked startled. "Oh, I don't mean you, Homura-dono! I mean... that is... WAH! It's going to be all right! You'll see!"

Homura nearly stopped time as the girl suddenly gave her ad hug then turned and ran away, bawling.

"What the hell?" she said.

"Akemi Homura..."

Homura spun, soul gem ready, to find a tall, green haired woman holding a giant key.

"Akemi Homura, " the woman repeated. "You've interfered with the nature of causality, and severely interfered with the linear progression of time." It sounded like a judgment. Then she winked. "Keep it up. We're rooting for you."

She vanished too.

Homura just stared blankly. She didn't even react when a police phone box suddenly appeared out of thin air, and a man stepped. out. He handed her a scarf.

"It's a look. Try it."

She looked at the ridiculously long, colored scarf in her hands as the phone box disappeared.

"What was that all about?"

Somewhere, Cubey was running away from a pack of **_PISSED_** Magical Girl Mascots wielding chainsaws and one Anemoi...

* * *

**_The Summer Adventures of Fuuka and Fumika_**

"Fumika, I know what we're going to do today!" Fuuka declared.

"Build a roller coaster?" Fumika said hopefully.

"Nope!"

"Tree House Mecha?"

"Try again."

"Take over the world?"

"Too Chao."

"Give a monkey a shower?"

"Too Phineas and Ferb, and SCM-sama hates that show."

Fumika sighed. "It's going to be decadently habitual incestous loli twin sex again, isn't it?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing!"

"At least let me be on top this time!"

"Fine, YOU be the platypus secret agent, and I'll be the mad scientist joke-villain's hot gothy daughter..."

* * *

**- To be continued...**

* * *

A/N: I have no regrets…

…

Screw it…

_SCM lovingly caressed Schedule Slip's face as he took her from behind…_

It's a TvTropes meme. Look it up on the All Purpose Negima Fanfic thread, which is where I hang around…

BTW, Overmaster and I are working on a crossover between 2814 and Unequally.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	7. Yue's Harem Begins…

A/N: really wish I'd get more reviews… especially of 2814… ah, well…

...

Yue's Harem Begins…

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Akamatsu-sama, #-A belongs to Yue. She's just letting Negi have fun with them. I'm making no money from this. quite the opposite, really.

...

_**Suit Up!**_

In the dark of the night of Mahora Academy, two figures riding an extremely fast motor vehicle zipped past. The dark-clothed oriental one was driving, hat and mask firmly in place, while his companion in green just sat along for the ride.

"Negi?" Kotaro said.

"Yes?"

"Next time, let's use Takahata's car instead of Hakase-san's scooter, okay?"

…

"Criminals of Mahora, beware!" the dark-suited cried out dramatically. "I am... _**'Kota!**_ I'm here to kick your ass!"

"Hey!" Negi said. "I'm here to help too!"

"Oh, yeah, this is my sidekick, Green Stripey Hornet," Kotaro said, gesturing at the boy next to him in the mask with the weird looking gun.

"I still think it's a bad idea to use my antique collection for this, " Negi grumbled.

…

"Grr..." Kazumi grr-ed as she paced, looking at the big collection of pictures she'd gathered. "Darn it! Who are they? Who is Kota and the Green Stripey Hornet?"

Off to the side, Chisame facepalmed. "Oh, for crying out loud... A guy named 'Kota' and a guy in a stripey green suit are going around fighting people and you can't tell who it is? If all reporters are this dumb, then no wonder Lois Lane never found out..."

...

**The Long and the Short of It**

"Nodoka-chan?"

"Hmm, Yue?"

"I love you."

_Blush._

...

**Perfect World**

"I… I submit!" Poyo cried, falling on her back, panting hard.

Yue leaned over her. "See? It's not a perfect world. Otherwise, I couldn't give you a better orgasm than one you've had there."

Poyo's head lolled back in surrender. "Y-yes… I see that Kosmo Entelekhia's plans were flawed. I… I will help you…"

Yue nodded curtly.

There was a pause.

"Can I have another one, please?" Poyo begged.

Yue smiled in that small, Yue way of hers, licked her lips and obliged…

...

**Descendant Habits**

"ASUNA KICK!"

The door to the final room smashed open, and Asuna came rushing in, sword in hand.

"All right you time-traveling bitches!" she cried, pointing with her weapon. "Get away from Negi and… Yue, why are you naked?"

Yue gave her a flat look from where she was lying down on top of Ranko, Nodoka's daughter from the future, forming one figure of a certain two-digit number divisible by 3. "What does it look like?"

Amaterasu, Tsukuyomi's illegitimate time-traveling daughter, said, "Negi-papa is with Chibi-Asu, Chibi-Arika and Arika," she said, pointing towards the dror to the next room.

Asuna's eyebrow twitched. She stormed into the next room.

"_**NEGI**_!" they heard her scream. "_**WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO MY DAUGHTER, YOUR DAUGHTER BY YOUR MOTHER, AND YOUR MOTHER'S NAMESAKE BY SETSUNA WITHOUT ME?**_"

Nasu smiled at the audience. "Notice how she says 'without me'?" She waved. "A big thanks to Darkenning-sama for his inspiration!"

Beneath her, Illyria and Nikuro looked at her. "Who are you talking to?" Illyria asked.

...

**Why Negi Hates Coffee**

Negi skipped through town, his allowance in hand, heading for his favorite tea shop. Now he'd be able to buy that special blend he'd had his eye on, and then he'd lock himself in the kitchen and–

He turned the corner and stopped dead, staring in horror. His wallet fell from his hands.

He collapsed on his knees in front of the Starbucks and threw back his head, crying skyward. "_**NOOOOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

...

**Why Nodoka Has Such Bangs**

"Now, remember Nodoka-chan," her mother told her, kneeling down to meet her eyes through her thick, wide glasses. "While your contact lenses will keep you from hurting people, you still need to be careful. It's not as strong as mine, but it can still be dangerous."

Nodoka's father Shiro put a hand on her mother's shoulder. "Oh, don't worry, Medusa-chan! She'll be fine."

…

"Ah! I'm sorry!" a naked Nodoka cried, covering her eyes. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

An equally naked Yue looked down at Negi. "Wow… Negi-sensei upgraded from a woody to a stony…" She reached to touch it. Negi gasped.

"Wow!" Konoka said, where she'd been ready to undo it. "It still works?"

Everyone looked at each other…

Nodoka would later find out her mother, Rin, Sakura, and Aunt Illya sometimes used it for that too…

...

**Scary Movie**

Negi's scream of pure terror echoed through the dorms.

A moment later, Ayaka was kicking down the door to find a confused Asuna and Konoka staring at Negi, who was hiding under the table. "What happened?" the blonde asked.

"SCARY MOVIE! SCARY MOVIE!" Negi cried, pointing at the TV.

"Asuna!" Ayaka cried, aghast. "You let Negi-sensei watch some kind of traumatizing horror flick? Konoka, I expected better of you!"

"SCARY MOVIE! SCARY MOVIE!"

"But..." Asuna said. "We were watching _Finding Nemo_!"

Ayaka blinked. "What?"

"NEMO WILL NEVER SEE HIS FATHER AGAIN!" Negi screamed, in tears. "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"

"Wow..." Konoka said. "Can you imagine if we'd watched The Lion King?"

Negi screamed again. "MUFASA! DON'T DIE!"

...

**Sayaka**

"Now Negi, if you really want to be strong..." the invincible badass said.

Chisame and Negi leaned forward eagerly. Would THIS help them defeat Fate?

"It's easy!" Sayaka said. "Just talk to this guy..."

Kyubey smiled. _Make a contract with me..._

BAD END

...

**Superman**

"Negi, to be strong, you must have respect for life, liberty, and the American Way!"

"I'm British."

...

**Akemi Homura**

"But... WHY NOT?" Negi wailed. "Why won't you train me?"

Homura gave him a blank look. "I need to change time."

Negi blinked and peered at her intently. "Chao? Is that you?"

...

**Setsuna****'s Dirty Little Secret**

Setsuna looked about nervously, eyes darting. Then she reached towards the shelf…

"Setsuna, why are you picking that?" a shocked voice said behind her.

Setsuna yelped, turning in horror as she saw Konoka behind her. "Ojou-sama, I can explain!"

It was only then she saw Konoka wasn't alone. Her eyes widened as she saw Asuna, Ayaka, Misora, and Makie behind her.

"Setsuna-san!" Ayaka exclaimed. "How could you! Don't you care what happens to your body?"

"DON'T JUDGE ME!" Setsuna cried, turning and grabbing the carton before running for the checkout counter. "It's not my fault I don't gain weight when I eat it!"

Asuna turned to Konoka. "Did you know she ate Chocolate Overkill Omnicide Ice-cream?"

"That explains who keeps leaving them in the trash every week," Makie said sourly. Damn her need to stay compact! She hadn't had ice-cream in _months…!_

...

**Reincarnation**

A young Yue entered the classroom and stopped dead, staring.

She was there. She was _there!_ She was talking to some of their classmates, giggling and laughing.

She turned. Their eyes met, and Yue suddenly wished she wasn't wearing her glasses. She felt like such a dork with them on…

And then she was hugging her, and there was a wash of pink in front of Yue's eyes.

"Homura-chan…" Sasaki Makie breathed. "I've found you…"

Tears rose to her eyes. "_Madoka!_"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: those two are cute, all right. Don't look at me that way! A straight guy can be a hopeless romantic too!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	8. Yue's Harem Theater 3000!

Yue's Harem Theater 3000!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Ken Akamatsu. I am making no money off this. Quite the opposite, really. Akemi Homura is awesome, and you know it!

...

**Reincarnation 2**

Chachamaru blinked at her companions, still trying to sort out he new differences that had occurred in that wave of energy that had undone Kosmo Entelekhia's plans. "Will you please explain all that in order? I am… confused."

Yue, who was clamped on to Makie's face, didn't respond. Makie momentarily pulled back as Yue nuzzled her neck, her voice breathy. "Homura-chan and I will explain later Chachamaru-chan…"

"**_Madoka…_**" Yue growled, and Makie was soon incapable of any further dialogue.

"Feh!" Konoka snorted. She pointed the apple she wasn't eating at the two. "GET A ROOM, YOU TWO!" she cried around the apple she WAS eating.

Blank-faced as only a robot could be, Chachamaru turned to the others.

"Hold still, Chachamaru," Chisame said, and for the first time, Chachamaru noted how similar their voices were, if this were, say, an American dub. "I still need to get your new hand adjusted. Honestly, why kind of engineering is this? Give me a good, honest auto-mail…"

"Hmph," Setsuna sniffed. "In my country, when you let someone put a robot prosthesis on you, I means you're married! Ah!" The wind blew, raising her skirt, and revealing that, instead of her usual bike shorts, she was wearing a thong today. "Well, I guess it's panty-shot time!" She then grabbed an electric guitar and proceeded to rock out as she stood on a moving motorcycle.

Asuna narrowed her eyes. "I don't have time for this," she said coldly, taking Yuunagi from where Setsuna wasn't using it. "I need to find a long coat and bring about the will of Jenova…"

Negi smiled at her. "Do you need company? I too must find Lilith, and bring about the third impact," he said, in a creepy, coming-on-to-another-guy-while-naked-in-the-baths voice.

Asuna shrugged. "Why not…"

Chachamaru looked at her remaining arm and seriously considered using it on herself…

...

**Meet the Parent**

Hakase looked up… and up… and up.

"Chachamaru…" the scientist said, "Will you introduce me to your… friend?"

Chachamaru shuffled nervously. "Mother, this is Slipstream…" Chachamaru said. "My… girlfriend."

Hakase nodded once in understanding, and fell over in a dead faint.

The two gynoids paused.

"She took it better than I thought…" Chachamaru said.

"See, _this_ is why I'm not taking you to meet my brothers," Slipstream said.

...

**Family**

Urashima Keitaro blinked at the little girl hugging– well, molesting– Motoko. "Um, Motoko…"

"Cousin Motoko!" the little blonde in loli-goth was saying. "I'm here…"

"Tsukuyomi…" Motoko said through gritted teeth. "Why aren't you in prison?"

Tsukuyomi grinned up at her. "I inherited dad's 'breaking out of prison' skills, remember?"

Motoko looked heavenward, muttering something about evil American clowns. "Why are you here, Tsukuyomi?"

"Well, I kinda need a place to stay…"

"NO!"

"Oh, come on!"

"_NO!_"

"I'll kill Stephenie Meyer for you so you'll have a market for your novels?"

"You can use the spare futon in my room."

"Yay!"

Motoko glared at Keitaro. "Not. One. Word."

He just raised his hands. "Can we throw Urobuchi in too?"

...

**Artifact Abuse**

No one ever found out that Yue's Artifact also accessed Maginet porn sites "with top level clearance". And she had no intention of telling them.

...

**Nerima**

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT RELATED TO THIS 'RANMA' PERSON!" Haruna cried as she ran for her life.

It was a LONG chase...

...

**A Day Indoors**

Emily kicked the dorm room open, glaring at the rather pale-skinned inhabitants. "Will you two come out already! All this staying indoors can't be healthy!" She paused. "Why does it smell like dogs in heat?"

"Hey!" Collette barked. "I am NOT in heat! This is purely voluntary!"

...

**Slayer**

Asuna blinked at the two women. "Wait, you mean the reason I'm so fast and strong is because I'm one of these 'Slayer' people?"

Willow and Kennedy exchanged looks. "Um, yeah," Willow said. "Why, what did you think it was?"

"I'm a Japanese schoolgirl in a comedic shounen action manga," Asuna said. "I thought it came with the territory."

And so, Asuna was bundled off to train abroad, totally leaving her Negima roots behind. She quickly rose through the ranks of the Slayers, despite somehow losing her powers and character development from before, deposed Buffy for being an evil bitch despite how badly that always worked out in the previous seasons, was totally kick ass and eventually legally changed her name to Mary Sue…

**BAD FIC END!**

...

**Egg Belly**

"It's official," Asuna sighed happily, burping. "We've been eating Satsuki's cooking too much."

Konoka looked down at herself and giggled. "I look pregnant!"

...

**Out Of Control**

"Yue, this is for your own good," Haruna said, nodding at Chisame to begin.

"No…" Yue panted, hands shaking. "No, please… I can control it! don't take it away from me!"

"Yue-chi, you've gotten out of control," Konoka said. "We're doing this because we're your friends. Ever sine you got that iPad, it's just gotten worse! You used to be able to control it when it was just on the computer, but now… sorry, Yue, but we need to do this. you'll understand one day."

Chisame finished typing and pressed the final key.

Immediately, Yue's iPad reloaded. _Sorry, cannot access Tv Trope's All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Forum on this server._

Frantically, Yue changed sites, hoping they hadn't…

_Sorry, cannot access Fanfiction . net on this server._

_Sorry, cannot access Adult Fanfiction . net on this server._

_Sorry, cannot access Media Miner on this server._

Yue fell to her knees, throwing her head back and crying heavenward. "**_N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!_**"

"Oh, relax, it's only during class hours," Chisame said.

...

**Fang Vice Addiction**

"Master…" Chachamaru said diplomatically, "aren't you perhaps overdoing it? You've eaten nothing but Vienna Sausages for the past three days."

"But it's **_soooooo_** good…" Evangeline moaned. "MOAR!"

Chachamaru didn't sigh, but only because she physically did not need to. "Yes master…"

...

**More Than Fifty-Four Negi and Chisa– er, YUE Threesomes**

"…and that makes Fifty Four," Haruna said, making a satisfied notation on the clipboard she was holding. "More with repeats. "

"Surely a cause for celebration!" Tsukuyomi cheered, spinning a noise maker.

Paio Zi wrapped her arms around the naked swordswoman, cupping her breasts. "We should celebrate," the unclothed Chichigami said, gently caressing Tsukuyomi's face as she took her from behind…

Asuna facepalmed, completely un-self-conscious of her nudity. After the evening (and afternoon. And morning. And previous evening. And previous afternoon and morning) they'd had, she sort of didn't see the point. "I can't believe you actually kept track…"

Evangeline leaned back, puffing away on her cigarette. "When's my next turn due?"

Haruna checked her clipboard. "Right after Mami-san…."

"AH! Negi-kun! Yue-sama! I'm reaching Tiro Finale!"

(Akemi) Homura (yes, she's still here in the fic), lay back, a contented smile on her face, (Kaname) Madoka on one side of her, Makie in the other. As good as twins, and Makie was so limber and flexible…

...

**Gehenna's Holy Queen**

"Hmm…" Yue muttered to herself, checking over her stat box as her new tail wiggled and her wings flapped in the idle animations. "Okay, first order of business: changing this from a Turn-Based Strategy RPG into a Dating Sim. Chisame!"

_Elsewhere…_

"W-what is this!" Laharl cried. "What happened to my precious stats? Why am I no longer level 99999+? My character-specific techniques! All gone! An what are these things? Romance points? Flag events?"

Etna frowned. "The 'Tsundere Pettanko' path? Hey! I'm a central, important character! It's my inner conflict that drives the whole first half of the game!"

"Yay!" Flonne cheered. "The 'True Love' Ending! Laharl, take this option!"

"Oh, my," Jennifer said. "It looks like I have a new romantic interest."

"YES!" Asagi cried. "I'm the 'Super Steamy Secret Romance' option'! Finally, I show up!"

Demon! Konoka frowned. "I feel that the point has been lost somehow…"

...

**Arisugawa's Locket**

Yue poked her head inside. She quickly drew it out again. "I think I'm going to need some sort of guide for this... it's too big for any one person to explore completely!"

...

**Liquid Heat**

"FATE! How many times do I have to tell you, no using that lava spell in the resort!"

...

**Taken Day By Day**

Konoka and Tsukuyomi stared at each other across the table.

"It's time we resolve this issue," the Konoe heiress said, uncharacteristically serious.

Tsukuyomi nodded. "Agreed," the renegade swordswoman said, uncharacteristically sane.

Setsuna's gave turned between the two of them, sweating nervously. Slowly, both girls put their hands on the table, faces utterly solemn.

"Breasts!" Konoka declared.

"Ass!" Tsukuyomi countered.

They eyed each other, before smiling and shaking their hands in agreement. Then they turned predatory gazes towards Setsuna. The hanyou gulped.

"Set-chan…" Konoka chirped, eyeing Setsuna's blouse.

"Setsuna-sempai…!" Tsukuyomi crooned, gaze locked onto Setsuna's posterior.

Setsuna screamed. And then, her scream changed tone…

Yue looked up as the cry echoed through the dorm. "I hope Konoka found my advice useful…"

"I'm sure she did, Yue-chan," Nodoka panted, caressing Yue's face as she humped her from behind.

Emily looked up from where she'd buried her face and was shaking it from side to side, rubbing it on Yue's front. "I must admit, this is quite an amicable division…"

Collette looked up from beneath Emily, her face between a tanned marshmallow sandwich as she glared at the class rep. "Give me my turn with Yue, darn it!"

"Oh, wait, your turn, bitch," Emily said, going back to what she was doing.

Beatrix said nothing as she gently caressed Emily's back as she took her from behind…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Ah, Vienna Sausages. I remember when they came in foil-packs and were the size of hotdogs, not the little finger-food sizes hat cam in cans…

No offense Shane, but the Locket is pretty intimidating for me, and **_I_** used to read though all of Skysaber's works and related offshoots and whatnot, back before I realized what I was reading… Perhaps someday… when I have a free month…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	9. Yue's Harem and the Philosopher's Stone

A/N: Everyone, if you know what's good for you and you have good taste, you will read **Overmaster's "**_**Unequally Rational and Emotional**_**". **It be awesome.

...

Yue's Harem and the Philosopher's Stone

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Ken Akamatsu. I am making no money off this. Quite the opposite, really. Akemi Homura is awesome, and you know it!

...

_**Vivid**_

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Negi Springfield-san," the principal said, gesturing for them to come forward.

Negi stepped forward and faced the class. "Hello, I'm Negi Springfield and I'm glad to be here at St. Hilde Academy. I've just arrived from Unadministered World 97. Pleased to meet you…"

In her seat, Vivio Takamachi felt herself staring as her mind began bombarding her with strange thoughts...

…

"Well, there's no doubt about it," Shamal said, after a week of strange behavior on Vivio's part. She looked sympathetically at Nanoha and Fate. "I don't know how to tell you this, but it seems like Vivio… is straight."

Fate gasped. "Are you sure?"

Shamal nodded sadly.

Fate began to cry. "My poor baby! And we tried so hard to raise her right! Nothing but Utena, Kashimashi Girl Meets Girl, Candy Boy and Pretty Cure for TV! How could she learn of such a deviant lifestyle?"

"Unfortunately, Utena contains small amounts of het, so..." Shamal shrugged helplessly.

Fate turned to cry on Nanoha's shoulder. "Nanoha-chan! I'm a failure as a mother! I couldn't even teach Vivio proper values!

Nanoha patted Fate on the shoulder. " There, there, Fate-chan. It's not so bad. Maybe Vivio's just bisexual. At worse, we'll find her a nice futa-girl…"

...

_**The Quick and the Dead**_

Mana could see dead people. It was one of 108 secret abilities her demon eye possessed, including putting people under an illusion, starting black fires, mind control, and using the moon as a giant eyeball for controlling the world.

She'd known about the ghost in the classroom since day one. Paranoia was a survival trait for her, or it had been since she'd come hereto sort-of retire, and it hadn't really left her in this soft, peaceful, unreal place she found herself in. She'd seen the ghost. She'd seen a lot of things, including the vampire in the back, the robot, and the ninja. All three of them.

The vampire she'd investigated and decided not to antagonize. The robot became a seemingly harmless curiosity in due time. The ninja was irrelevant: guns were the weapon of today, and anyone who brought their knives to a gunfight deserved the perforated belly they got.

But the ghost...

She'd had to study it further. During the day, it hadn't done anything, had barely seemed aware of herself. The only sign it might have been aware of the world around it was that it dutifully stayed in its seat during lessons and only roamed about during breaks. Habit, perhaps?

Still, it was a rare ghost who showed its malice in the light of the sun. That first night, she'd snuck into the room, eye open and seeing, gun and some of the new ofuda she was learning to use in hand.

The ghost sat at her chair, head lolling. Mana tensed. Was it preparing its vile dark powers, turning the entire room into its weapon?

The snore that echoed through the night and the snot bubble that formed on the ghost's face had Mana tripping in exasperation.

That little bit of noise seemed to snap the ghost to wakefulness, and Mana remained tense, kneeling where she'd fallen as the ghost turned quickly to survey the room. "Wh-who's there?" she said, her voice quavering. "Please don't let it be ghosts, please don't let it be ghosts..."

Mana blinked at this. Was she hearing right? The ghost was afraid of ghosts? Bemused, she stood, revealing herself.

The ghost saw her. "KYAAAAAHHHHHH!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!" it screamed in terror, turning and running away.

Mana had been torn between pursuing and letting it go. After all, the venture hadn't netted any useful data. Still, it was too risky after that outcry, and so she headed back to her new quarters.

The next day, the ghost's scream of heartfelt terror at her entry into the room actually made the blackboard eraser fall over as she flattened herself against the farthest corner of the room away from Mana. Only two people seemed to notice. The vampire seemed mildly amused, but quickly grew bored. Takahata-sensei had raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment.

Mana had felt mildly guilty over frightening what was now obviously a harmless little spirit. It was a strange, foreign sensation to her, after so long. Guilt, unlike paranoia, was NOT a survival trait where she had roamed.

Neither was apology...

The ghost blinked at Mana from across the room as Mana placed some small pieces of food, some incense, and an ofuda of blessing on the empty chair of the classroom. Then the gunner took a step back and stood, waiting and staring at the ghost patiently, waiting fora response.

It took half the night, but Mana was patient. She'd learned to wait for opportunities like this, never moving, never betraying oneself. Eventually, finally more curious than afraid, the ghost drifted towards the small collection, looking down at it. Then she looked up at Mana, fear still in her eyes. "I don't understand," it said.

Mana tried to seem unimposing. she thought she'd gotten good at it over the years, but the ghost still cringed back from her slightly. "I'd like to apologize for frightening you," Mana said. "I wasn't sure what you'd like, but I thought you wouldn't mind a small offering..."

The ghost stared at her in bewilderment as Mana felt a strange embarrassment. Then the ghost smiled, brightly, warmly, and Mana wondered how she'd ever managed to think this girl might have been malicious. "Th-thank you..." the ghost stuttered, bowing deeply. "I'm... I'm Sayo. It's nice to meet you."

"Mana Arcana," Mana said by reflex, then winced.

"That's a pretty name, Arcana-san," Sayo said, though she was obviously trying to be diplomatic.

Feeling uncomfortable, and seeing her deed as done, Mana abruptly turned to the door.

"See you tomorrow, Arcana-san!" Sayo called out.

…

…

…

Mana stared at the small clump of flowers resting on her desk.

"Hey, look!" Asakura called out over Mana's shoulder, making the sniper jump. Damn the media! Why must they get underfoot everywhere? "Someone's got a crush on Tatsumiya-san!"

"What?" "Ooh, let me see!" "Who sent the flowers?" "Was there a note?"

Mana stared at Sayo's empty seat, where the ghost was waving enthusiastically at her. The window next to it was still partly open, and a petal was wedged in the window track. Mana blinked at her in confusion, and essayed a small, discreet wave, which made the ghost's face explode in joy.

What had she gotten herself into?

_"… and that's the story of how I met your mother__," Sayo finished._

_Sayo's adopted daughter __Dani__ sat at the couch, her ghost tail swinging from side to side in boredom as she gave a sigh of relief. Next to her, her dark-skinned, red-haired sister Rally did the same. _

_"Now, as to how I met your father__," Sayo continued, and the two girl groaned," It was about a year later. I didn't really know him at first when he began teaching 2-A… "_

_"Can't we go yet?" Rally moaned, looking sideways at Dani. "__I wanna do some Darkenning-type, decadent habits stuff..."_

_Dani blushed__._

...

**Miscalculation**

"This," Chisame pronounced, glaring sat Hakase," is all your fault."

The mad scientist pouted. "ME? How is Haruna making an anatomically correct Negi-sensei my fault?"

"When the measurements you give her don't specify everything is in centimeters, and she draws in inches."

The cry of "IT'S SO BIG!" was still ringing in her ears...

...

**I Put On My Robe And Wizard Hat**

"HARUNA!" Chisame bellowed. "FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP CALLING THE CONDOMS THAT!"

"But it's fun!"

...

**Pirate Versus Nin****ja**

Kaede stalked up to Mana's desk and slammed down a sheet of paper. "I knew there was a reason I couldn't allow you to defeat me-gozaru," the ninja said, uncharacteristically grim.

Mana looked down at the picture, which clearly showed her in the midst of various people on a boat. "This is a picture of me when I worked on the Black Lagoon, before I came to Mahora. What of it?"

Kaede jumped back and drew out her knives. "PIRATE!"

Violence ensued.

This time, everyone glared at Chisame. "This is all your fault," Asuna said levelly as gunshots and knives were exchanged behind them.

The net idol squirmed. "How was I supposed to know that meme was real?"

...

**A Bunch of Chi- er, YUE Shipping Fics**

"Life takes you to some very strange places sometimes," Yue contemplated.

In the desk next to her, Emily raised an eyebrow. "How's that?"

"Well, at first I always thought I'd grow up to be a librarian, or a philosopher like my grandfather," Yue said. "Then I thought I'd grow up to be a Ministra Magi for Negi-kun, or a Mage Knight. Who'd have thought I'd become the logistics director for New Ostia?"

"Yes, it is a bit out of left field," Emily agreed. "By the way, the papers for the next shipment is in."

Yue nodded. "I'll take a look at them after my lunch break."

Collete's pushed her head out from under the desk, face... wet. "YUE!" she cried. "Your turn down here!"

Beatrix crawled stiffly out from under Emily's desk, only for the blonde to pull her to her lap and lick her face dry. "Yes, it's a strange world we live in," Emily agreed, before she crawled under the desk and Bea took her seat...

...

**Fluctuations**

Paio Zi peered intently at Nodoka's bare breasts, while the purple-haired girl blushed in embarrassment. "No doubt about it," the Chichigami declared, nodding sagely. "Your friend has Breast Badass Inflation."

Yue nodded. "I thought so."

Chisame twitched at this new weirdness. "And what is THAT supposed to be?" she demanded.

Paio Zi raised a finger in a lecturing pose. "Speaking plainly, it means her breasts get bigger when she's being a badass, and shrink when she's at rest."

Chisame facepalmed. "Are you kidding me?"

Nodoka looked thoughtfully at this as she dressed herself. "Excuse me, I have a call to make," she said, heading for the phone, and dialing.

CLICK.

"Hello?"

"Rakan-san? I was wondering if you were free to take on a new student..."

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Enjoy and review! A LOT!

Also, check out it's sister fic, _**"Tales of Homura's Harem",**_a Puella Magi Madoka Magica fic.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	10. Bride of Yue's Harem

A/N: Here we go again!

...

Bride of Yue's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Ken Akamatsu. I am making no money off this. Quite the opposite, really. Akemi Homura is awesome, and you know it!

...

_**More Than 31 Clown Princesses In Amber**_

All of 3-A just lay where they'd finished, staring up at the ceiling.

"Wow," Haruna finally managed to pant out, the first to regain her voice. "I have to say without a doubt that was the KINKIEST thing we've ever done."

"I agree-gozaru," Kaede panted. "And I speak as a fully trained, professional sex ninja and Fuuka and Fumika's Master."

The twins, both wearing dog collars along with everything else, nodded in agreement.

Chisame was crying. "How have I fallen so low!" she wailed. "I used to be the normal one!"

Matoi patted her reassuringly. "Don't worry, Chisame-sama," she purred. "I still love you..."

Everyone blinked at her. "What are YOU doing here?" Yue asked. "This is _my_ harem fic! I don't remember inviting you."

"Oh, SCM-sama got tired of wondering if we'll ever get a deeper non-parody relationship in _Unequally_, and since he likes me, he threw me in," she chirped.

Everyone looked at each other and shrugged, even as they struggled not to laugh at what they saw.

"That's fair," Cassandra Cain said.

"It's why I pop up a lot," Death agreed.

Homura, busy with Madoka and Makie, didn't deign to respond.

Everyone sighed and leaned back once more. "Zazie, it is official," Misa declared. "You're kinkier than me, end of story. My panties off to you!"

"As you should," Poyo said, holding her sister tighter, heedless of the stickiness between them.

Zazie pressed her nose. "No talking," she murmured. "Ruins image."

Asakura pulled out her notebook, still somehow supernaturally dry, and began to write on it. "It's official, then. Clown make-up and full-body covering of honey is going into the 'for special events' list..."

...

_**Royally Messed Up Family**_

Nagi and Negi stood nervously outside the door of the room Arika and Yue were talking.

"This is kinda scary," Nagi said.

"It's only Yue talking to mother," Negi said. "How could that be scary?"

"Some of the scariest things in the world have happened because of two women talking in a room," Nagi said. "I wanted to be an astronaut, but my aunt Hermione insisted to my mother I go learn to be a Magister first like my cousin Rose. I could have gone to the moon!"

Both Springfield men sighed dreamily at the thought.

The door open and Arika stepped out, adjusting her shoulder strap, Yue following behind. "You have my blessing in your pursuit, Miss Ayase. Good luck."

Yue finished wiping her mouth. "Thank you, Arika-sama." She nodded at the men. "Nagi-san, Negi-sensei."

The two blinked at her. "What was that about?" Nagi said as Arika made some notes on a clipboard.

"Ayase, Farandole, Sevensheep, Monroe… oh, Yue-chan was just… _convincing_ me to approve her request," Arika said with a bright, satisfied smile. "NEXT!"

Evangeline stomped into the room behind Arika.

"Now, Miss McDowell, you've applied to be mistress to either my husband or my son…" Arika said as she closed the door.

Negi looked even more confused. "Why did the Master have a can of whipped cream and chocolate syrup?"

...

_**A Little Tsundere**_

"I'm not doing this because I l-like you or anything…"

"Of course."

"I'm just horny, that's all!"

"Whatever you say, Eva-san."

"And you're the right size so I don't get a crick in my neck or anything…"

"As you say, Eva- san…"

Yue never had the heart to tell Evangeline she'd heard all the same, practically line for line, from Emily…

...

_**Necrophilia**_

It turns out, Sayo _could_ possess other objects besides the little straw figure from Mt. Osore.

Yue never had to buy batteries for her vibrator again.

...

_**A Decadent Habits Side Story: **__**I Liked You Better When You Were Me, Yue Edition**_

No one noticed when the two Yues were exchanged. Certainly Emily didn't. Or Nodoka. Or Collette. Beatrix _might_ have noticed if she wasn't busy with all the attention Yue was suddenly slathering on her.

It was only after Alladia's defeat that the two managed to switch back with the help of a Chao— but, as she vehemently told them from her full metal 'chastity powered armor', neither of _their_ Chao (she had declared her name both a singular and a plural to avoid name jokes)— who muttered darkly about GL code 849822s and left.

Upon return, one Yue had to evasively shove off questions about whether she'd gotten sick, and was she feeling better, and could they FINALLY get back to the usual sleeping schedule.

The other Yue had to explain where exactly she'd learned Evangeline's combination Ice/Lightning spell, and thanked every deity she could think of that the only one who could confirm or deny her excuse had apparently lost all her memories between now and her tenth birthday. Though there were other problems…

She was still wondering where the other her had found the time to sleep with the highschool dodgeball team… and the cosplay club… and 3-F… and that Yuki girl from the school festival… and the Gymnastics team… and Takane… and her Ministra… and Ala Iridia…

She vowed to move to Ariadne and STAY there!

...

_**Yue-sama the Fanatics**_

When Queen Iono recruited Yue into her harem as a sobame, the queen assured her that she wasn't a Lolicon and would wait until Yue was legal before engaging in carnal intimacies.

Two weeks and half of the castle's hundreds of sobame later, Ioni belated realized Yue had made no such promise.

...

_**"Damn you"**_

To this day, Haruna's father Ranma still rails at Yue for using the last of the water from the Spring of Drowned Boy for herself.

Yue believes it's a small price to pay. At least he'll never know it was all Haruna's doing. Haruna regards it as the best thing she's ever done. Literally.

Yue still draws the line at taking Negi's anal virginity, though. Why bother with that when the reverse was more fun…

...

_**Yue/Fate Knight**_

Yue had no idea how she got roped into this 'Holy Grail War' thing. She barely survived a highly Freudian attack from Lancer by sheer luck. Somehow summoning Saber despite lacking the knowledge to do so kinda pushed it beyond sheer luck into the realm of Deus Ex Machina.

When the Loli with Berserker called off the attack because, "I-it's not like I l-like you or anything! It's just that you're so, ah, pitiful! Yes, pitiful! So I'm calling Berserker off! But watch your ass! Your cute, tiny, pert, firm ass…", however, Yue just had to wonder if she'd somehow stumbled into the plotline of an eroge.

After she somehow broke Shinji's hold on Rider, to Sakura and Rider's delighted— and enthusiastic— gratitude, got kidnapped by the previous aforementioned loli, had to recharge Saber's magic with a threesome with Rin, defeated Berserker and somehow wound up with Illya living with them, found out Caster was somehow a future version of her that Rin had somehow summoned— after they'd ended up in bed, of course— she decided to stop thinking about it…

...

_**Child of Mine**_

Yue closed the door and leaned against it, closing her eyes as if to blackout the world. "How many now?"

"Well…" Chisame mused. "So far we have your daughter by Negi from the future, your _son_ by Negi from the future, you hermaphrodite child by Negi from the future, your futanari daughter by Negi from the future, your child by Kotaro from same, your child by Fate, by Quartum, Quintum, Dynamis, Jack Rakan, Godel, Nagi, Eishun, Yuuna's dad, the headmaster, some guy named Akamatsu, a bunch of guys called Ala Iridia, and Hugh Jackman. Then apparently there's your children with or _by_ girls. Apparently someplace called Jusenkyou is involved. There's your kid by Sayo, your kid with Kaede, your twins by the Narutaki twins, your ipod by Chachamaru, your kids with some girls called Ala Iridia—"

"Yue, next time, maybe you should use a condom, " Haruna advised.

"BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT WITH THESE PEOPLE YET!"

...

_**DEEP LOVE**_

_Jiiiiiiiiiiii…_

Chisame looked up, twitching. "Oh, COME ON!" she cried. "This is a completely different fic, by a completely different author, in a completely different continuity! Why are you still following me?-! This is no longer 'Unequally Rational and Emotional'!"

Matoi smiled, wrapping her arms around Chisame from behind. To her horror, she found herself shivering at the stalker's touch. "My DEEP LOVE can transcend any distance, overcome any obstacle, " Matoi whispered. "And of course, there's my secret weapon…"

"Which is?" Chisame said, finding herself growing hot.

Matoi smiled, and whispered in her ear, "SCM-sama likes me… and we're in a series that likes to throw away the ship-tease for text…" Her fingers crept downward.

Chisame gasped as Matoi rubbed her (CENSORED), taking her from behind…

_Hours later…_

The two stared at the ceiling of the motel room.

"Is this the same place all those people in CRACC go to?" Chisame asked.

Matoi snuggled against her, glowing in contentment. "That could explain why there's a copy of 'Super Smash Brothers: Magical Girl Siscalypse edition' lying around…"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: You need to have read _**Decadent Habits, **_by **Darkenning** to get one of these, but I guarantee it's worth the read…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	11. Yue's Harem 33 and One Third

A/N: so few reviews last time… hope that changes with this…

...

Yue's Harem 33 1/3

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Ken Akamatsu. I am making no money off this. Quite the opposite, really. Akemi Homura is awesome, and you know it!

...

_**Exorcism**_

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have you now, foul spirit! No longer shall you desecrate this class with your presence! With these Ofuda, I banish you!"

"No! Please! Have mercy! I don't want to move on! Can't I just be left alone?"

"Too late! Any last words?"

"Ah! To think I would have to go through this on top of dying a virgin!"

"Ah… well, I don't want to be cruel. It is a priestess' job to bring relief to spirits. Come here…"

"Oh! Oh! OH!-!-!"

The door to the classroom opened, and Kazumi walked. "Hey Sayo, you wanna go to the—" She stopped dead.

Mana looked up from where she lay bound and naked on the ground, wearing one of those ghost-cap things. Above her, Yue knelt, also naked, some playing cards in her hand.

"I'll come back later," Kazumi said.

...

_**Chosen**_

"Yue!" Haruna called as she opened the door. "I've found another one that says you're a chosen one!"

"Again?" Yue said, her Kampfer bracelet clattering as she tried to pin the transformation brooch somewhere it wouldn't fall off or clash with her Millennium Puzzle and Digivice.

"A little higher, my master," Raging Heart advised.

"No, lower!" Ring-chan said.

Khaji Da chittered something that came out approximately, "To the left!"

"No, to the right!" Keroberos said.

On the bed, Renamon, Luna, Yuuno, Rukia, Vita, Shamal, Signum, Zafira and Harakiri Tora were busy negotiating who got to sleep where while the ghost of the former Unlosing Ranger Pirohiko set up a date with Sayo, as, in the corner, the Scythe of the Slayer leaned against Excalibur, Talatsu, Kusanagi, Esperacchius, the Colt, a pure black wooden staff, a bag labeled 'Atium' and an umbrella.

Yue sighed. "How the heck did this happen again? I can't be _**EVERYONE'S**_ chosen one! What am I, the Dragon Reborn?"

"Yeah, about that, some chick named Lanfear wants to talk to you too," Haruna said.

Yue sighed, then looked at the white creature in Haruna's arms. "And you are?"

"I am Kyubey. Make a contract with me…"

"Please take a number, I have to have sex with Mab and Titania first…"

...

_**Consequences**_

"My daughter!" Hakase wailed. "Doing that to herself! Treating her body like… like… like an amusement park!"

Chachamaru endured, staring blankly and trying to keep too much heat from her face. "Mother, please. Can you reactivate my eyes now? Being blind is troublesome."

Chao suddenly appeared out of thin air, looking frantic. "CHACHAMARU! WHO DID IT? WHICH BOY WAS IT? I'LL KILL HIM!"

Chachamaru sighed. Hypocrites.

...

_**Doctors**_

"I can't believe Hakase is actually on a date," Sakurako muttered. "Totally wouldn't have bet on that."

"Why?"Misa teased. "Jealous?"

"Heck no, I'm doing Yue-chan."

"Aren't we all," Haruna snickered.

They watched as Hakase met her date…

"HEY! Isn't that the famous doctor? Madaraki Fran?" Haruna said.

"The one Chisame gets twitchy over for being 'a crime against nature'?" Misa said.

"Yeah, that's the one," Veronica said. "I can't believe she's going through with this. The last time she went on a date, the poor boy ended up a girl."

"I heard they had to cover it up with…" Misa trailed off, staring at the girl with an X-shaped stitchmark on her face. "Who are you?"

"I'm Veronica, Fran's little sister," the dark-clad girl said. "Yo."

"You wouldn't happen to know anyone named Chachazero, do you?" Haruna asked.

Veronica brightened. "Is she here? Did she say something about me? She's here, isn't she? Gah, I knew I should have put on cologne, I smell like formaldehyde…"

"…Okay…" Sakurako said slowly.

"So that's what that was…" Misa murmured.

Fran and Hakase got up from the table, still chatting amiably.

"Bet you they end up naked in a motel," Haruna said.

"You're on," Sakurako said.

_A few days later…_

"Negi-sensei," Chachamaru said. "As you know, my mother recently remarried, but before they went on their honeymoon, she and my new stepmother added some upgrades to me."

"Oh, yes," Negi said. "Congratulations! Though I keep wondering why Fran-san keeps asking me if she ever made me an Aura-gland…?"

"Thank you. However, Fran-mama said I should have _you_ test out my new equipment…"

''Elsewhere…"

"Ah! No, Zero…" Veronica said, blushing. "We mustn't! We're in-laws now…!"

"So?" the little doll said, cutting. "Who gives a crap?"

"OH! CHACHAZERO!"

...

_**Too Sexy**_

"Yue, I'm back!" Nodoka said, entering the room and slipping out of her shoes as the two figures having sex on the lower bunk froze.

Sextum, lying beneath Yue, seemed annoyed by the interruption, while Yue was bright red. "Um, Nodoka, I can explain…"

Nodoka began to take off her clothes. "Will her older sisters be joining us?"

Yue blinked.

Nodoka smiled benevolently. "You get used to this, " she said, slipping in under covers with them…

...

_**Slayer**_

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have you now, evil undead! No longer shall you desecrate this class with your presence! With this stake, I slay you!"

"No! Please! Have mercy! I don't want to die again! Can't I just be left alone?"

"Too late! Any last words?"

"Ah! To think I would have to go through this on top of dying a virgin!"

"Heh he heh… prepare yourself, dark spawn, as I plunge this long, hard wood into your dark places!"

"Oh! Oh! OH!-!-!"

The door to the classroom opened, and Kazumi walked. "Hey Sayo, _this_ time can you go with me to the—" She stopped dead.

Eva looked up from where she lay bound and naked on the ground, her body covered in glitter. Above her, Yue knelt, also naked, a dildo in her hands.

"Didn't we do this already?" Kazumi said.

...

_**It Finally Happened**_

"A horse, Yue?" Chisame said, face twitching. "_Really?_"

"Pony, " Twilight Sparkle corrected.

Not for the first time since this conversation began, everyone twitched.

"Who I am intimate with is none of your business, " Yue said primly, or as prim as one can be while still wearing a jockey helmet and a strap-on.

"Are we SURE she's not a 'vampire'?" Evangeline asked, air-quoting the words. "With a name like that…"

"Yes, Eva-san, we're sure, " Konoka said, still holding her stake. "She's not a vampire horse—"

"Pony!"

"Pony, " Konoka corrected.

Haruna straightened, having checked out the undercarriage. "Not even hung… Yue, maybe this is going too far…"

And thus it was discovered that Lust was Magic too…

...

_**Super**_

"I blame you, " Chisame said levelly

Chao slumped. "I know."

"What you have done has no excuse, " Yue said.

"I know."

"The world is doomed, " Fate said. He held up a Great Grandmaster Key. "Anyone want to join me in Kosmo Entelekhia?"

Negi was crying. "All my hard work… what happened to the Unspoken Plan Guarantee?"

In the distance, Rakan cracked his knuckles. "All right! Competion number 373158! First one to end world hunger!"

Silver Age Superman smirked. "This will be easy with my Superfarming…"

"KING RAKAN END WORLD HUNGER PUNCH!"

"Why is this happening…?" Godel said numbly. "Why? What sick mind can concieve this?"

_In the All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread…_

Chizuno Masuto: This is the last time we let this happen.

Kazemaru Arashi: agreed.

Senou Kaede: Hey, wanna do a crossover together?

Prime Time: sure. but dinner first.

Superboy Prime logged out and looked at the audience. "What? He likes me."

...

_**Embarassing Secret**_

"Yue, " Emily said, putting down some DVDs on the table. "I found these in the toilet tank."

Yue looked and paled. "They're not mine, I swear."

Emily gave her an 'unamused girlfriend' look. "Yue…"

"It's not what it looks like! I only watch them for the stories!"

Emily shook her head. "My girlfriend… watching straight porn! I can't believe it!"

"No, I swear, it's really only for the stories!" Yue protested. "You know Negi-sensei's is the only man I like!"

Emily sobbed. "Admit it Yue! You're really straight! Why else would you watch straight porn?"

"I means nothing!" Yue pleaded. "It's just a little taboo pleasure… most of my regular porn is girl on girl and… hey, this is NAGI-impersonator porn!"

Emily blinked. "Oh! So they are…"

They stared at each other.

"Is this from the upstairs toilet or the downstairs toilet?" Yue asked.

Emily coughed. "Oh, it's not really important, Yue-chan. Hey, how about I pretend to be a pony and you break me in…"

...

_**Rule of Three**_

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have you now, Miss Lane! No longer shall you foil my plans with your presence! With this Kryptonite dagger, I shall kill you!"

"Hah! Do you worst, Luthor! I'm not scared of you!"

"We shall see! Any last words?"

"Screw you!"

"Heh he heh… maybe later. Prepare yourself, you nosy reporter, as I use this…"

"Not so fast, Luthor!"

"Curses! Supergirl!"

The door to the classroom opened, and Mana walked in. "Hey Sayo, do you know where—" She stopped dead.

Kazumi looked up from where she lay bound and naked on the ground, wearing a fedora with a press pass. Above her, Yue knelt, also naked, a dildo in her hands, her hair under a bald cap. Sayo, just as naked, had a red towel tied around her neck.

Mana took all this in impassively, then started stripping. "Ah, there you are. Any room for Wonder Woman?"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	12. My Little Yue's Harem: Crack is Magic

A/N: I'm _baaaack__…_

...

My Little Yue's Harem: Crack is Magic

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Ken Akamatsu. I am making no money off this. Quite the opposite, really. Akemi Homura is awesome, and you know it!

...

_**Artifact **__**Abuse **__**Again**_

Haruna frowned, crossing her arms over her chest. "I still say this is a bad idea," she said. "Who KNOWS what sort of moves that girl is pulling on Negi-kun! She might be all moe and demure and kind now, but you know what they say about the quiet ones! I bet she actually knows all SORTS of kinky things and—"

"Haruna," Yue said, "Fluttershy is a PONY! I doubt she even thinks of Negi-sensei as a boy, let alone THAT way."

"Chachamaru is a robot, and SHE certainly does," Haruna said. "I walked in on her screwing herself once, and she was moaning Negi's name!"

"Chachamaru's self-identity is basically human," Yue retorted. "Fluttershy's is NOT!"

"Don't be in denial, Yue!" Haruna said, whipping out her _Imperium __Graphices_. Her hand blurred as she drew. "I bet they're doing something like…"

_"_

_"Oh, Negi, you don't have to comb my mane for me…"_

_"Nonsense, Fluttershy. I like doing it…"_

_"Oh! Negi, what are you doing?"_

_"Just combing your tail back here. Now, let me raise it up…_"

_"Ah! Please don't look at me back there! It's embarrassing!"_

_"Oh my, what a cute… mark."_

_"Oh, Negi!"_

_"Ah! Fluttershy!"_

_"You're… riding me…!"_

Yue watched, twitching, as the 3D animated scene Haruna drew got to the part that was usually edited out. This being a Saotome production, that wasn't happening, showing the following scene in all it's Brain Bleach-y glory.

Finally, Yue managed out a strangled, "Haruna?"

"Hmm?" Haruna said, nodding approvingly at her own handiwork.

"Don't you EVER use that book to show me porn again!"

Haruna perked up. "Hey, that's an idea…"

...

_**Unhealthy Fixation**_

"This is an intervention."

No one wants to hear those words. It implies a grueling emotional ordeal, lots of possible industrial strength denial, harsh truths and, in some instances, flashbacks to the near devastation of Mahora that time they tried to convince Fate to switch to decaff.

"N-no! It isn't a problem! I can stop any time I want!"

"Evangeline," Chisame said patiently. "I've looked over the computer code myself. There is _**NO **_secret code or sequence that can let you keep Aerith from dying and giving Final Fantasy VII an alternate ending!"

"FOUL LIES!" the vampire cried.

"Eva-chan, you haven't bathed in a weak, you've resorted to licking the bottom of the tea pot with cotton swabs after Chachamau refused to keep making you tea, you've been living off Pocky you bought off the Internet and you're wearing a pillowcase!" Asuna cried. "It's not healthy!"

"I'm a vampire!" Evangeline cried, pointing at Asuna. "I'm beyond such puny mortal things as 'health'!"

"Eva, you're pointing at the hat rack."

...

_**Self-Abuse**_

"Tsukuyomi, you're the only person I know who could suffer blood loss from masturbating."

...

_**Naming **__**Convention**_

The big surprise was that it wasn't Negi's kid. Or Fate's, for that matter. Fate was a bit confused as to why people thought that could _possibly_ be. Haruna had grinned widely and tried to explain, only for Asuna to dangle her out a window and 'remind' her they swore they would NEVER speak of it again. Yue had just muttered something about alternate worlds, Chao, and someone named Alladia.

"What are you going to name him?" Konoka asked the new mother.

Sextum cradled the small form in her arms. He had inherited her mother's hair and his father's ears. The Averuncus still couldn't believe childbirth had been such a painful process. Still, she supposed it was a mark of the inferiority of beings not created by the Lifemaker. "There is no question as to the name. It is self-evident."

Kotaro scowled. "I still don't know how you managed to convince me to go along with that name."

"As I recall, I began with extensive coitus during my first trimester and as-extensive fellatio for the six months after that," Sextum said blandly.

Kotaro flushed and mumbled something.

Natsumi nodded sagely. "Yes, that sounds about right," she said, cradling her own dog-eared child.

"So what's his name?" Konoka repeated eagerly.

"He is the newest addition to the Averuncus line," Sextum said. "There is only one thing to name him."

She smiled, a small, Ayanami Rei-esque smile. "Everyone, this is Septimum Averuncus."

They called him Timmy.

...

_**Lotsa Les-Yay **_

"Um," Asuna shuffled nervously. "Konoka, I have a confession to make…"

"Oh, lead me to them Asuna, maybe I can still heal him," Konoka said.

"Konoka, I didn't kill anyone!" Asuna cried. "I… I… I made out with Ayaka!"

Negi held out his hand. Konoka sighed and slapped money into his hand. Asuna blinked.

"Wait, what?" Asuna said.

"Oh, I bet that you and Ayaka would get together before the end of the year," Negi said, counting his money. "Konoka bet Golden Week."

"What?-!" Asuna cried.

"Well, given how much you two've been flirting even more since we got home from Mundus Magicus, it was going to happen sooner than later," Konoka said. "I just wish I had realized Golden Week was later and not sooner sooner!"

"Flirting?-!" Asuna did her Emiya Shiro impression. "What flirting?"

"She's started calling you princess, you've been blushing more, the two of you have gotten more physical…" Konoka ticked off.

"Setsuna calls you 'Oujo-sama' all the time!" Asuna cried.

Konoka sighed dreamily. "Yes, Set-chan is such a shameless flirt."

Asuna growled…

_"…and that's how I met your mother," Asuna told the girl sitting on the couch. _

_Chibi-Asu jerked awake. "Oh, you done mom?"_

_"Now, as to how I met you father…"_

_Chibi-Asu rolled her eyes shut and went back to sleep._

...

_**Forgotten**_

Chigusa looked up at her new cellmate. She frowned. "You look familiar…"

"We have never met. My name is Sextum Averruncus."

"Ah. I know your brother then. Well, welcome to the prison of interesting characters that only show up for a single arc. In the cell next door are the Slime girls."

"HI!" came the chorus from next door.

Sextum nodded and started arranging her things. "When will we be released? I was not told."

"We're NEVER getting out. If you're lucky, some crazy writer will take you whore you out for a while."

"Chigusa! Sereg is here!"

Chigusa stood. "That's my cue. See you for eternity, Sexy-chan."

Sextum watched her go, then turned to look at the camera in the cell transmitting what she was doing over the Internet. "Ah. This will be a while…"

"Hey, new girl, some guy named Overmaster wants you to work with him for something called Decadent Habits!"

...

_**Winter**_

Fire. Blood. Screams.

When Negi curled into the fetal position whimpering about demons, no one in 3-A invited him to a snowball fight again.

...

_**The World Negi Only Knows**_

"The Mage of Conquest?-!" Negi repeated, confused.

Zazie nodded, the SD-skull-shaped accessory in her hair wobbling slightly. "Yes. You are more famous than you know, Negi-sensei. In the demon world, it is known that you can capture the heart of any girl, make any woman your conquest and make them fall for you charms."

"Yup, sounds about right!" Chamo said.

"Th-that's not true!" Negi exclaimed, blushing deeply.

Asuna and Chisame exchanged flat looks. "Tell me more about this 'contract' he allegedly signed," Asuna said.

"Negi-sensei signed a contract with the demon world and was assigned to me as my 'Buddy'," Zazie said. "Together, we will function as a unit of the Runaway Spirit Squad, tasked with finding and removing runaway spirits hiding in the gaps of peoples hearts."

Negi frowned. "That sounds important."

Zazie nodded. "You have specifically been chosen due to your talents. Love is the quickest way to fill a gap in a heart, and—"

"WHAT?-!" Negi, Asuna and Chisame exclaimed…

...

_**Greed**_

Emily caressed Yue's sleeping face, glaring at all the other bodies on the bed, and clutched her possessively. "_**MINE**_…" she hissed.

...

_**Fear**_

Kaede whistled as she opened the door of the dorm she shared with the twins, took one look inside, screamed, and ran.

The twins looked at each other.

"Really, how could anyone be afraid of Kermit the Frog?" Fuuka asked as they went back to watching the Muppet Show…

...

_**Spring**_

"Ah, spring!" Misa cried, throwing her arms wide. "The season when a young man's fancy turns to pus—"

Madoka slapped a hand over her mouth. "Nuh uh. Too easy."

...

_**Betrayal**_

"Set-chan!" Konoka cried. "Why would you ask to bathe Asuna all over, touching her wet naked body, but not me!-?"

...

_**Partners**_

She could feel her heart beating hard in her chest. This was it. With this contract, all her dreams would come true.

She took up the pen and signed her name.

Chao grinned. "Congratulations! We're in business… partner!"

...

_**Science**_

3-A and the science teacher peeked over the desks they'd dived behind, cautiously looking up from cover.

"And THAT," Hakase exclaimed, grinning maniacally, "is how you make weapons-grade Viagra!"

Ayaka shuddered, eyes wide. "Such _power_…!"

...

_**Laugh**_

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!-!-!-!-!"

Dynamis, face impassive, held up the score card. _7.5_

"What?-!" the Joker cried, throwing down his microphone. "You wouldn't know a good hammy laugh if it bit you in the ass!"

Koyomi winced. "Wow. Dynamis-sama is a tough judge. That's the Mark Hamill-Joker…"

...

_**Homework**_

Fate's face was completely impassive despite the very real threat of Asuna throwing her desk at his head. "My holding you hostage is no excuse for not doing your summer homework."

...

_**Chastity**_

Haruna frowned, crossing her eyes as she tried to understand. "I don't get it," she said. "Are you sure you're speaking the same language?"

Yue sighed, and tried to explain the concept once more…

...

_**Oblivious**_

3-A thought trying to forge a relationship with Negi was tough. But the Springfield had NOTHING on Fate…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: I've just discovered the Manga **_The World God Only Knows_** and cried when I saw how pathetic the offerings of its fanfic section were. Therefore, I will try to rectify this!

Have also been writing **_Tales of Fluttershy's Harem_** and a My Little Pony/Codex Alera crossover. Yes, really. Hey, it's me, what do you expect? Please check it out.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	13. The Harem Yue Only Knows

A/N: And thus, it has ended. The ever-beautiful Negima manga has published its final chapter, leaving shounen at the mercy of brainless bruisers like Naruto and One Piece. We are all doomed.

...

The Harem Yue Only Knows

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Ken Akamatsu. I am making no money off this. Quite the opposite, really. Akemi Homura is awesome, and you know it!

...

_**Busted!**_

Evangeline was idly humming a random tune in class when Makie suddenly let out a yelp as she passed by, turned and gave the surprised vampire a hug.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?-!" Eva demanded.

"Ah! Eva-chan! You're one of us!" Makie cried.

"One of _what_?" Eva snapped, trying to push her off.

"You can't deny it, Eva-chan!" Makie said as people started staring at them. "You were humming the song! There's no denying it!"

Eva grew cold. "What song?"

Makie smiled widened even further and began to sing. "_My little pony, my little pony, Ahh ahh ahh ahhh… I used to wonder what friendship could be…Until you all shared its magic with me…_"

"_Big adventure, tons of fun!_" Fuuka and Fumika chorused.

"_A beautiful heart, faithful and strong!_" Ayaka sang.

"_Sharing kindness, it's an easy feat,_" Chachamaru sang softly.

"_And magic makes it all complete!_" Negi finished. Everyone stated at him and he shrugged. "I'm not ashamed of it!"

"BRONY" Makie cried.

Eva wilted. "Oh, crap. Damn the catchy songs!"

...

_**Mirror Match**_

Eva stared at Eva as the little saps had their reunion.

"Hey, before you go looking for a spare Nagi…" the younger Eva said.

The other Eva smirked. "Way ahead of you. I already arranged things with the one in Unequally Rational and Emotional and the one in the 2814-verse. We can use Kitty's castle. It's not like she's going to be using it… and I know this guy called Everett…"

...

_**Hakase's Wedding**_

"I never thought Hakase would get married," Ayaka mused as she and Asuna took their place in front along with all the honored guests. "And of all people–!"

"I know…" Asuna said, adjusting her dress and trying not to grimace. Stupid thing! It kept getting in the way! At least the dresses Eva had stuffed her in were battle-approved.

The class was all there, sure enough. Princesses Naturaki and Narutaki and their husbands, Ako and Akira sitting hand in hand, Yue with the Ariadne delegation– Emily was still wearing the stupid look from when Yue announced she was taking a sabbatical from being Queen of Ariadne to become a space detective– Natsumi and _her_ new husband, a rather pasty Chisame who actually managed to pull the 'doesn't get out in the sun enough' look off, Mrs. And Mrs. Konoe-Sakurazaki and Sakurazaki-Konoe– everyone had been so unsurprised by _that_ they hadn't bothered to make any bets, just spent the entire ceremony giving each other knowing smirks– Godel with that supermodel he was dating he looked like Arika-sama, Nagi with the _real_ Arika-sama…

As the ceremony got under way, everyone stood up, and as at Konoka and Setsuna's wedding, there were no bets, just knowing smirks all around.

"Dearly beloved," the ministra from the Mysteries of Aphrodite and Eros said. "Friends and family, we are gathered here to today to witness the joyous union of these to people, in the sight of the god and goddess, and amongst each of us…"

Chachamaru, the maid of honor, was dabbing at her eyes furiously, and it was remarkable how they'd managed to make a tank of a _lot _of extra 'reticular cleaning fluid' look like an appropriate headpiece so she didn't run out. In the front row, Chao, the graceful and happy ex, was beaming next to her date, some pink-haired moon princess from the 30th century.

"Do you, Hakase Satomi, take this…"

A for once decently dressed Eva leaned towards her date and murmured something, and Negi let out a slightly embarrassed smile and said something that was clearly a chide. The vampire just laughed, snuggling against his arm. Asuna wondered where the 'other' Eva was. Had she found a 'spare Nagi' of her own?

"…take this Hakase Satomi as your wife, in sickness and in health…"

Even Rakan was managing to sit still, and what fore had managed to do _that_ Asuna had no idea, though it might have bee all the dirty thoughts of what would happen that night, judging from the wide, lecherous grin on his face, in sharp contrast to the slightly blank-faced Averrunci next to him, though Sextum occasionally dabbed at her eyes.

"And so, by the power invested in my, I dub thee wed. You may kiss the–"

Apparently, someone couldn't wait. Turning to her new bride, Governor Sakurako grinned widely before taking the blushing satomi in her arms and sealing the deal.

At their feet, there was a blur of white and a sudden glowing circle.

"PACTIO!" Chamo, the official contractor, yelled.

Without looking, Sakurako booted him off the carpet, to good natured laughter from the ermine.

Even Asuna laughed as she held her wife's hand. How had that book put it? They liked arguing so much they got married so they could go on doing it more conveniently?

Screw Kosmo Entelekhia. _This_ was perfect.

...

_**Head Asplode (guest staring Naruto)**_

Naruto crossed his eyes, trying to stare down his neck. "Wait, what? I didn't eat that much ramen!"

"You kinda did," Anya said. "Relax, this is only until you pay me back. Mundus Magicus has kinda strict money lending policies. It's not like I'm going to use the detonator on the collar to blow your head off or anything."

Naruto blanched. "D-detonator?" he squeaked.

Anya rolled her eyes. "Look, I'm putting the control ball right here in my breast pocket, okay? No need to worry."

The ninja blinked. "Breast pocket? What breasts?"

Anya twitched, fire erupting around her hand as her magic manifested itself. Hey, Negi sneezed, she went all battle aura. It happens. "You're really asking for it, you know…"

The door opened and Negi walked in carrying some spare clothes. "Here you are, Naruto-san. At least you'll have something fresh to wear while we get–" _that orange monstrosity burned_ "–your own clothes washed–"

Negi tripped, sending the clothes flying, and fell on Anya.

"Ah!" Anya panicked. "Negi!"

As Naruto chuckled, Negi pushed himself up groggily. "Sorry Anya, it always keep tripping on that…" Abruptly, he realized where his hand had, of course, landed. He blushed. "Ah, sorry, Anya, I didn't mean…" he trailed off, then paused, feeling the round thing in his hands. "Anya, since where did you have…" he squeezed on purely masculine reflex.

Naruto's head exploded into bloody gore. The two kids stared in horror.

"Crap!" Anya said. "It's that hitchhiker all over again!"

Negi blinked. "What?"

Anya sighed and readied her memory erase magic…

Fortunately, they were able to contain the Kyuubi by slapping it with Infernus Scholasticus, making it spend eternity at the Mahora Obedience School. It kept flunking out…

Negi never really found out what happened to that nice blonde boy who liked ramen, though he seemed to have left his clothes in the washing machine…

...

_**Angels and Demons**_

You never forget your first date.

The indecipherable cacophony of Mahorafest surrounded them as they made their way through the crods together. The frantic flashing of lights and sounds as they made their way through various amusement rides. The warmth of her hip pressed against his as they sat together. It was her guilty little secret.

"Eh? Set-chan, why are you blushing so much?"

"Ah, nothing, Oujo-sama! Just remembering the last Mahorafest…"

...

**Cat Tales**

"I don't believe this!" Homura (the fire-girl Fatette one, not the awesome one) cried, throwing up her hands. "First, Shiori betrays us for Fate-sama's arch nemesis! Then they take Fate-sama himself and brainwash him! And now they've got Koyomi! Will they never stop in their evil!-?"

"How did they do that, anyway?" Shirabe asked.

_Meanwhile…_

"Is Koyomi-chan hungry?" Chachamaru said tranquilly, stroking her newest pet's belly. "Does Koyomi want a snack?"

"Nyan…" Koyomi 'nyan-ed', playfully batting the piece of yarn Chachamaru wiggled at her nose.

Asuna sweatdropped. "Chachamaru, I'm pretty sure you can't treat her like a cat…"

...

_**Fracture**_

"Well, it's healed up," the doctor said, finishing binding Yue's leg. "Just take it easy for the night, and you'll be able to take off the bandages tomorrow."

Yue sighed, but nodded as Collette helped her off the examination table and handed her the cane she'd be using for the night.

"Cheer up, Yue-chan," Collette tried to reassure her. "It's not unheard off for people to break their leg with broom practice."

"When they haven't even gotten off the ground yet?" Yue asked.

"I'm sure it's happened once or twice," Collette said, a bit less certainly.

Yue winced with every step. "Stupid cane. I don't think I'm using this right."

Collette blushed, and offered her a shoulder. "Here, lean on me," she said.

Yue gratefully put and arm over the other girl's shoulder, and Collette held her hand to steady her. They walked on towards their room…

"So, how do we handle having sex tonight?"

...

_**Javelin**_

Gungnir and Titan Slayer faced each other as Negi and Quintum compared spears.

"Knew it," Sextum said blandly. "Negi's is bigger than yours."

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Short, but I seem to be running out of inspiration…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	14. Yue's Harem & the Quest 4 The Holy Grail

A/N: I'm back! And I have a blog now. Go to shadowtower dot wordpress dot com to read about fanfics being analyzed as serious literature. There's also a proper link in my profile. Since this is ME we're talk about, it's not very serious…

...

Yue's Harem and the Quest For The Holy Grail

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Ken Akamatsu. I am making no money off this. Quite the opposite, really. Akemi Homura is awesome, and you know it!

...

_**Whose Line Is It Anyway?**_

"Our topic!" Asakura declared, reading from the card she drew from a hat. "Things you can say about a basket of fruit, but not about Negi-kun!"

"Ooh!" Yuuna said, stepping forward. "I wanna stick that banana in my mouth!"

There was general laughter from the audience as Negi reddened.

Haruna stepped forward. "How nice and fruity!"

Off to the side, Fate and Kotaro twitched.

Misa skipped in. "Wow, these feel so good up my—!"

"VIOLATION!" Chisame declared.

Off in the wings, Ayaka sighed as the audience laughed. "Whose bright idea was it to have a festival event based on a show Drew Carey hosted?"

...

_**How I Met Your Mother**_

"… and that's how I met your mother," Negi told Chibi-Asu. Then he turned to Amaterasu. "Now, as to how I met _your _mother…"

Seraphine interrupted him. "Dad, really! It's a school night! We don't have time for you to tell us more than fifty four variations on how you got laid!"

"What does 'laid' mean?" Arika 4 (it was a really popular name in the Springfield household) asked innocently.

Anarchia, aka Arika 2, blushed. "Ask your mother," she advised.

"Okay!" her little sister chirped. "Um, which one is she again?"

...

_**Friends**_

Nagi paused in his sneaking as he saw everyone else was already awake. "Um, I was… um…" Damn it, he needed an excuse! "I was just going to go take a leak."

Rakan grinned. "Hell, let's all take one together. I hear the canyon they're executing Arika in has a good toilet we can pee into…

He didn't have to rescue her alone after all…

...

_**The Big Bang Theory**_

Hakase stared up at her ceiling. "That was a very well-argued thesis to promote lesbianism."

Next to her, Chao chewed on her chocolate cigarette. "It hasn't failed me yet…"

...

_**Eight Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter**_

Setsuna sweated profusely as Eishun gave her a level look. "Setsuna-kun," he said gravely. "If you wish to date Konoka, I have some rules…"

Setsuna nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She hoped the demands weren't too unreasonable. She'd heard parents could be weird…

"Number one, always let Konoka orgasm first," Eishun said as Setsuna blinked in surprise. "Number two, participants in a threesome or orgy must be pre-approved by Konoka. Number three, any harem is understood to belong to Konoka. Number four, all dildos must be at least…"

As Setsuna began to get redder with each new rule, Eishun wondered how long he could keep a straight face…

...

_**Rivalry**_

"Outrageous!" Chamo cried, nearly frothing at the mouth. "How can that suicidal anachronism manage to get a harem ending in his manga, when my bro deserves it more?-! Did _he_ have to put up with holes getting stabbed through his chest? Argh! I'M IN RAGE! THE TRUE ENDING OF SAYONARA ZETSUBOU SENSEI HAS LEFT ME IN RAGE!

Negi sweat dropped as he tried to calm his familiar down. "Now now, Chamo-kun, it's not that bad. And there's always a chance we'll get a proper animation now that the manga is over. I mean, if Fairy Tail could qualify for one..."

Chamo pointed at Ishihara's evil campaign.

Negi slumped. "Yeah, I know…"

…

Chisame tried to keep her head down, pulling her Yukata tight around her. "You sure they won't notice me?" she said.

"Oh, no, of course not," Matoi said. "We get random cute girls getting into accidents and needing blood transfusions around here a lot. No one will even notice…"

Chisame sighed, then glanced sideways at the readers. "Don't judge me! A girl needs commitment, damn it!"

"Now first, let me just transfer some Kafuka-mixed bodily fluid…"

"H-hang on, I thought we were going to use blood!"

"Isn't this more fun…?"

Obligatory Chisame X Matoi ensued…

...

_**Transplant**_

Yue stared dully at her suitor. "What," she said flatly, daring him to repeat himself.

"It's true!" Itoshiki Nozomu said. "When she died, her organs were donated to be given as transplants. You have my wife's bladder! Therefore, I love you! Most especially your bladder!"

"Well, that explains the voice I keep hearing that sounds like Konoka…" Yue said dully.

...

_**Haiyore! Zazieko-chan!**_

"Traveling between the worlds with my schoolbooks on my back, I am the acrobat that swings up with a smile! Speak my name and I will appear!" Zazie declared as she introduced herself to the class.

And she never said another word after that until she handed Negi tickets to the Nightmare Circus…

...

_**Transplant 2**_

"Huh?" Konoka blinked.

"It's true!" her suitor said. "When she died, her organs were donated to be given as transplants. You have my wife's voice actress! Therefore, I love you! Most especially your voice actress!"

"Itoshiki! What have I told you about coming around here?-!"

Itoshiki paled. "Gotta go," he said, leaving a confused Konoka.

Yue and Negi ran by a moment later, both wielding a copy of the Bro Code with intent to maim.

Thou shall not poach from another bro, bro.

...

_**Suits**_

"All right," Negi said, unusually solemn as he sat at the head of the table. "Welcome to the first official meeting of Suit Club. The first rule of Suit Club is we don't talk about Suit Club. The second rule of Suit Club is you must own your own suits. Suits, plural, at least three you own yourself. Ties are _not_ optional. Third rule of Suit Club: a Bro is a Bro is a Bro. Even if they might be a girl, they are still a Bro. Fourth rule: all wingmen are wingmen forever. No trading. Trading is beneath us. Substitutions are okay, but they must be with your wingman's permission. Fifth rule: Bros before hos. Sixth rule: no shirts, no shoes, no suit. Your ensemble must be complete. Seventh rule: we never leave a wingman behind. Eighth rule: we drink tea, not coffee."

Fate glared, looking immaculate in his pure white suit. "That has nothing to do with suits."

"It's a rule, no backsies," Negi said a bit smugly. "Right, Bro?"

Setsuna nodded, the cut of her suit showing off her legs quite nicely, a fedora tilted rakishly on her head. "It's the rules."

Kaede coughed, adjusting her jacket, which was draped over her shoulders like a cape and quite nicely framed her… _vest_. "A toast, everyone," she said. "To the Mahora Branch of Suit Club! It's going Legen— wait for it…"

-—

In New York, Barney Stinson smugly counted the money he was making from the Suit Club franchises.

-—

"-Dary! Legendary!"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: can anyone recognize the theme this chap?

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


End file.
